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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26029252">Ain't No Grave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulashultz/pseuds/paulashultz'>paulashultz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, F/F, Happy ending...we'll see</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:20:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>36,674</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26029252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulashultz/pseuds/paulashultz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Ellie ever be who she was before Joel's death? Does she have it within her to forgive herself? Will Dina ever be able to forgive her? Ellie's journey is far from over, as she tries to battle her demons within and attempts to move on from the horrors of her past.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>179</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Death by Seagull</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This game fucked me up and I feel like the only thing that'll help me process everything is to write about it. Here is yet one more story about Ellie's time after she returned to Jackson. Warning: Still undecided if this fic will have a happy ending, so if that's not your cup of tea, please be careful. Updates weekly.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie sat there in the water, watching as Abby sped off in the boat with the kid. Abby was staring back at her, with a look of… was that pity? Ellie wanted to get mad, wanted to scream at her, but when she tried, nothing came out. She had no voice, no feelings. No emotions. Everything was just empty. Abby turned back around, and disappeared into the fog. Ellie knew that it was going to be the last time she saw her.</p><p><br/>
Ellie didn’t know how long she had been sitting in water. It felt like forever. The constant sting of the salt water against her sunburnt arms and wounds were almost comforting, keeping her grounded when everything else seemed to be floating away. In the midst of the void Ellie found herself in, something snapped all of a sudden, and Ellie remembered her knife. Her mother’s knife. Abby had hit it out of her hand during their fight, and Ellie frantically leaped up and started crawling on her hands and knees through the water and sand in search of it. The logical side of Ellie knew that the knife was long gone, but something in her was telling her to keep searching, keep looking, until it was found. Ellie began to panic, she felt like she couldn’t breathe, but her body wouldn’t stop moving, wouldn’t stop shifting sand around looking for her lost knife. It wasn’t until Ellie ran into boat that she stopped moving. The grabbed onto the ledge of boat and pulled herself over and inside. It was then that the edges of her vision started blurring. Everything was going dark, and Ellie thought for sure, this was it.</p><p><br/>
Ellie woke with a jolt, an immense pain searing in her side. The sun was still out, and beating down on her already sunburned arms. She tried to focus her blurry vision and what she saw was a few seagulls flying around her, and the wound in her side was showing fresh blood. The seagulls must have been picking at her. She picked up her arm to try and shoo the birds, but they were persistent.</p><p><br/>
<em>If I’m going to die, it sure as fuck is not going to be death by fucking seagull,</em> Ellie thought.<br/>
She tried to sit up, but everything hurt. She let out a cry of frustration, tears streaming down her face. A fleeting moment of wanting to give up flashed through her, but just as fast that came, it was gone and replaced by a vision of Dina holding JJ. All smiles and laughter.</p><p><em>Could that still be there, waiting for me? </em>She had to hold on to hope. She grabbed the edge of the boat again, and hoisted herself up through the pain, letting out another shout, which seemed to keep the seagulls at bay.</p><p><br/>
<em>C’mon Ellie, turn on the boat and move. Have to endure. Have to survive.</em>
</p><p><br/>
Ellie grabbed hold of the crank to the motor of the boat. Pulled once, twice, and finally on that third try, it rumbled to life. Ellie let out a sigh, she didn’t think she could give it one more pull. Ellie took off on the boat, unsure of where to go, but then remembered Abby’s washed up boat. Maybe there was something she missed. She was so blinded by her motivation to find and kill Abby, she was sure there had to have been some useful supplies she missed when she first found it. She veered the boat off to the right and headed to where she thought the boat was.</p><p><br/>
After about 15 minutes she saw the marooned boat off in the distance. A sense of fear washed over her. What is if Abby is there?</p><p><br/>
Ellie slowed the boat down, unsure whether to keep moving forward. If Abby was there, what would she do? Would Abby leave her alone? There was no way Abby was in any shape to fight, and if Ellie was being honest, she wasn’t doing too great herself. Ellie looked at her injured hand and side and took a deep breath. She’d have to take the risk, she wasn’t going to die out here. She needed to make it back. She needed Dina to know she was okay. Ellie pushed forward, prepared for the worst.</p><p><br/>
Much to Ellie’s relief, the boat was still abandoned. <em>Abby and that boy must have gone somewhere else,</em> Ellie thought, not allowing herself to dwell too much on where they could have gone.</p><p>Ellie started pulling open drawers and cabinets. She found a couple of clean rags and a near empty bottle of rubbing alcohol. She poured the remaining bits of alcohol in the gash in her side and pressed down with a clean rag. It burned terribly as Ellie grinded her teeth in pain. She checked the wound and noticed it was starting to develop a red ring around it. It was infected. Ellie needed more than alcohol. She needed antibiotics and something to stitch up her side. She continued searching for more supplies in the boat. She felt grateful when she found a few packs of MRE’s in the cabinet above the sink along with a half full gallon of water next to them. She checked the remaining drawers she had not yet opened, but there was nothing else. She looked at her left hand where her missing fingers were along with the bite mark from that infected. The spot where her fingers were missing was still bleeding. She ripped up part of the sheet that was on the bed and wrapped it tightly around her hand. Grimacing in pain from the pressure. She knew she was going to have to cauterize it, but the bleeding wasn’t bad enough for her to worry about that right now. <em>Saltwater must have helped with that.</em></p><p><br/>
Ellie took a step back and surveyed herself and the surroundings. She didn’t know how she was still standing. She knew she shouldn’t be, everything that happened to her, here in Santa Barbara, before in Seattle, even all those years ago, on the trek to St. Mary’s. All odds were against her, yet somehow here she was, bleeding and broken, sure, but somehow still alive. She sat down on the edge of the bed at the back of the boat when one word crossed her mind.</p><p><br/>
“Lucky”, Ellie whispered, looking down at her bare wrist where Dina’s bracelet used to sit. Ellie grabbed her pack from where she placed it on the counter and opened the small pocket in the front, removing what was inside. She looked at Dina’s bracelet in her hand. She took it off maybe a week after she walked out on her family, figuring she didn’t deserve it any more. Ellie was unsure if she even deserved it in this moment, but she needed something to hold on to if she was going to make it back. She slipped the bracelet onto her wrist and sat back on the edge of the bed that was inside the cabin of the boat. She looked out the window on the side of the bed and saw plumes of black smoke from the direction where the Rattlers camp was. She shook her head.</p><p><br/>
“Time to test out this whole luck thing, Dina.” She said looking at the bracelet on her wrist. She looked back out the window at the black smoke. She would go check out the Rattler camp for any antibiotics. It would be her one and only chance to make it out alive.</p><p><br/>
<em>Tomorrow,</em> she thought, as her eyes drifted shut. Right now, she needed to rest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fever Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When she woke, the sun was high in the sky. Higher than when she had fallen asleep.</p><p><em>Shit, I slept all night and past the morning, </em>Ellie thought as she looked out the window. She moved to sit up, swallowing a cry of pain in the process. She lifted her shirt and looked at the wound. It was an angry red now with clotted and fresh blood.</p><p><em>Fuck. </em>She looked at her bandage wrapped hand and found that to be soaking in blood. She didn’t dare unwrap it though, scared of what it looked like.</p><p>“Fuck”, this time saying it out loud, hoping it would make her feel better about the situation. It didn’t.</p><p>Ellie stood up, using the counter top next to her to keep her steady and peered back out the window. There were still traces of black smoke in the sky, but nowhere near as heavy as they were yesterday. She assessed the condition she was in right now, and it was not looking good. She let go of the counter and was pleased with just being able to stand on her own.</p><p>
  <em>I have to keep moving. Get to the boat. Go to the camp. Find medicine. Have to survive. Have to see Dina and JJ. </em>
</p><p>Ellie looked down at the bracelet hanging from her wrist, and took the first step. Her whole body hurt, and moving made everything that much worse. But if she wanted to get out of here, she knew her best chance was going back to that camp to find more supplies. She stopped at the sink in the kitchen portion of the boat, grabbed an MRE and the container of water and set up one of the packets. Once it was done she took a few bites. <em>This tastes like shit. </em>Ellie flipped the package over to see exactly what she was eating. <em>Veggie Omelet</em>. Ellie looked at the remaining two MRE’s, both also labelled Veggie Omelet. Ellie let out a snort, “Figures, beggars can’t be choosers.”While it tasted terrible, Ellie didn’t mind. She had to get something in her stomach if she was going to make the trip to the Rattlers camp. <em>Even with some food though, if there is anyone still there… I… I don’t know. </em>Ellie closed her eyes. She was starting to get nauseous already from the little food she had eaten. She put the rest of the MRE down, and found some resolve. </p><p>Ellie put on her pack, and walked out of the stranded boat. She made her way to the little boat she used yesterday and pushed it back into the water. Even just doing that had her winded. She pulled the crank to the motor with everything she had and it sputtered a few times before turning on after the first try. She let out a sigh of relief and maneuvered the boat in the direction of the remnants of smoke.</p><p>                It was another 15 minute ride, before Ellie found herself back where she and Abby fought. She rode the boat up onto the shore, tying it off. From what she could tell, the fires had started to die off, but there was enough smoke to let her know some portions of the camp were probably still ablaze.  Ellie walked through the pillars of people, all dead from what she could tell. The smell was horrible. Ellie kept her gaze down as she trudged through, determined to make it to the building. She finally arrived to her destination, at least what was left of it. Most of the building she was staring at was charred and broken. The interior of all the walls exposed in some way. <em>Shit,</em> thought Ellie, as she began walking alongside the building. The more she walked, the more she began losing hope. The whole building seemed to have been on fire at one point yesterday. There were still some sections of it that had small blazes within.</p><p><em>There has to be something. </em>Ellie couldn’t give up. Not now. She decided to cut through the building and head to the courtyard type area she had crossed through when she was first looking for Abby. <em>Maybe there is still something out there…</em></p><p>As Ellie approached an open area, she heard voices of two men. She quickly ducked behind a low wall.</p><p>“Hey did you get everything you could?”</p><p>“Yeah, what wasn’t burnt to fucking crisp anyway.”</p><p>“Hmm. Anything useful?”</p><p>“Believe it or fucking not I got some really good shit…”</p><p>Ellie was trying hard to stay focused. Listening to what the two people were talking about, but before the man talking could finish his sentence, Ellie heard movement behind her. Before she could react, she was kicked hard in the side, causing her to splay out from behind the wall and cry out in pain.</p><p>“Hey! This one made it!” A woman’s voice shouted from near Ellie. All Ellie could do was ball up, clutching her side as pain racked her body. She heard the click of a gun being loaded, and thought for sure that this was it. She tried. She failed. <em>Sorry Dina.</em></p><p>“Wait!” the first man shouted. “It’s her. That’s the girl that let us out.”</p><p>The man walked over to Ellie and bent down. “Hey, girl, are you okay?”</p><p>Ellie just groaned in response. The man grabbed her by both her arms and helped her sit up, against the wall she was previously hiding behind. Looking at her face, she realized it was the guy that told her where Abby was when they busted out of the cell.</p><p>“Awe man, she looks like shit. Wait, wasn’t she bit?!” The second man running came up, pointing a gun at Ellie’s direction.</p><p>“Danny, wait, hold on,” said the first man, putting his hand on the barrel of his friends gun and pushing it downward. He turned his attention back to Ellie. “Hey can you speak? You were bit, yesterday we saw it…” Ellie saw him look down at her wrapped hand. She wasn’t sure if he was asking a question, or making a statement.</p><p>Ellie took a breath, the pain was starting to subside from the blow she took to the side. “It was one of the Rattlers that bit me, when they first captured me. I was putting up a fight and… yeah.” Lied Ellie.</p><p>The man looked moved his sight from her hand to the large blood stain on the side of her shirt, then back at her face, with almost a look of understanding that confused Ellie. He let out a sigh, and stood abruptly.</p><p><em>Of course he doesn’t believe me, </em>thought Ellie, squeezing her eyes shut in anticipation. But the man turned around, walking back to where he and his friend first entered the courtyard. Ellie could see him digging around in something on the ground, but she was too afraid to move since his buddy and the girl looked to be ready to pounce if she made any movement. After what felt like a lifetime, the man jogged back with something in his hand. He came and knelt by Ellie and placed a canvas bag in her lap. When Ellie looked down at the bag, she noticed it was a marked medical supply bag. She shot her eyes back up, a look of disbelief clearly on her face.</p><p>“Dude, what the fuck,” Danny started “We can’t just go around giving people who are clearly about to die our fucking stuff!” He made a grab for the bag that had just been placed in Ellie’s lap.</p><p>“Danny, calm down man! Look I know, I get it, but this girl saved our lives. I think it’s the least we could do, don’t you think?” He stood up, holding Danny back, and then looked over at the girl who was still standing behind the wall.</p><p>The girl just shrugged. She didn’t know what either of the two were talking about, as she had been in a different part of the compound when the fires started and was just grateful to be freed.</p><p>Danny looked at the man and let out a sigh, “Fuck, fine.” he said exasperated, “But let’s hurry and get the fuck outta here before anyone else shows up.”</p><p>Danny turned on his heel, the girl following him back to their supplies they had been collecting.</p><p>“Hey look, seriously, I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but you saved our lives, and for that I’m grateful. There’s not a lot in that bag, just what we could spare, but I hope it gets you where you need to go.”</p><p>The man stood up, and reached an arm down for Ellie to grab, which she gratefully took.</p><p>“Hey, one last thing… was Abby…” the man left the question open.</p><p>“She’s alive, and the kid.”</p><p>“Oh good. Tell her I said thank you for everything. She really helped a lot of us here finish out jobs that these assholes had us doing for them. And Lev. I’m glad the kid is alright. Since I've been here, I've never seen them take kids, but he was a tough one.”</p><p>Ellie only nodded in response. Ever since she knew of Abby’s existence, she held nothing but raw hate for the girl. Listening to this man thanking her should have made her mad, but she felt nothing.</p><p>“Well, good luck.”</p><p>That was the last thing the man said before turning off to join his friends. Ellie just stood there until they disappeared on the other side of the courtyard. Once they were out of sight, she slumped back down on the ground in a state of disbelief. She opened the canvas bag that the man gave her and in it was everything she needed. Alcohol, suture kit and antibiotics. It only had 6 pills, but it was better than nothing. She sat up a lifted her shirt, pouring the alcohol haphazardly over the wound in her side. It burned like hell, but Ellie didn’t let that deter her. She grabbed the suture kit and went to work. After about 20 minutes, she had what she thought was an okay stitch job on her open wound. She knew it was all a state of mind but she felt better already. She used the wall she was sitting against as leverage to stand up.  <em>Two more things to do</em>. Ellie looked down at her wrapped hand.</p><p>Ellie headed off in the direction where she could see fire still burning. Once she reached a section of the building that was still on fire, she walked up to exposed framing in the wall that was still red hot. The fire had moved on from this part of the wall, but just barely. She unwrapped her injured hand looking at the two bleeding stumps. She pulled out the canvas bag and used someone of the alcohol to clean off the area, then placed her hand near the hot piece of metal. Even the heat radiating from the steel was hurting. Ellie inhaled once, twice, and then pressed her hand up against the metal.</p><p>The pain was immeasurable. Her vision started to slip, but she was forcing herself to keep her hand pressed up against the fire hot metal. As her vision was blacking out, an image of Joel came to her. A concerned look in his eye. The look he gave her when she showed him her acid burned arm. She managed to let out a snort, similar to what a teenager would do to an overly concerned parent, then the world went dark.</p><p>Ellie awoke in a panic, not fully aware that she had passed out, and therefore was unsure of her current situation. She moved to sit up, but realized she was feeling extremely weak. She could feel a fever taking over her body.She propped herself up on her elbows, which was all she could manage to do at this point, and took a look around. No movement, no people. The fire that had been so close to her when she tried to cauterize the wound had moved further away from her, and was much smaller now. Ellie shook her head, knowing she was lucky that it didn’t blow back in her direction. Her eyes came to rest on the medical bag that was gifted to her. She reached out for it as it was still within her grasp and dragged it over. She open the bag and popped one of the pills. Swallowing was difficult, as her mouth was very dry, but she managed to get it down. Ellie laid back down on the rugged ground, arm draped over her face.</p><p><em>It’s a miracle no one found me</em> thought Ellie. Although, she probably looked dead to any passerby who happened upon her while she was passed out. Ellie dropped her arm and looked up at the sky. The sun was still out, but only barely. She figured she only had maybe half an hour left of light before dark. She took a deep breath, and willed her body over onto her stomach, propping herself on her hands and knees. One agonizingly slow movement at a time, she found herself standing and was immediately hit with a wave of dizziness. She grabbed the wall next to her in an effort to steady herself, but immediately regretted it, as it was the exposed metal she used to cauterize her wounds and it was still hot.</p><p><em>Fuck, </em>Ellie pulled back her hand and looked at it, noticing at the same time that she did a terrible job of cauterizing the wounds. They were only partially closed, some fresh blood pooling at the tips. Her bite mark was also only half burned. But much to her relief, it didn’t look too recognizable. <em>I’ll just have to stitch up the rest and hope for the best, </em>thought Ellie, looking at her hand. Putting her hand out of sight, she picked up her back pack, stuffing the medical bag inside. She started moving forward slowly, focusing on every step she took. She had to make it back to her boat, and then get back to Abby’s boat. She needed to try and stay somewhat protected while she was healing.</p><p>By the time she reached the small motor boat, the sun was almost completely set. She untied the boat and cranked the motor, careful not to pull out the stitches in her side. On her trip back she was fighting to stay awake. She could feel her fever getting the better of her, but she fought the whole way to stay up. The 15 minute trip felt like hours, but images of Dina, JJ, and Joel kept her up. She finally reached her destination. She walked into the beached boat, and collapsed on the floor.</p><p>The next time she woke up, her head was pounding. The boat was spinning and she could feel the fever in her body burning hot. Without getting up, she reached into her bag, pulling out the medical supplies, and swallowing one of the pills. She was able to pull herself up and reach for the jug of water she left on the counter from yesterday’s meal, and take a swig. Before she realized, she was asleep again.</p><p>When she woke again, it was night time. She couldn’t even remember if it was night the first time she woke up, or if it had been during the day. Her head was spinning a little less, but she was still running a fever. The pain in her stomach almost rivaled the all over ache of her body. She sat up against the cabinets, reaching above her once again, this time reaching for the open MRE. She brought it down to her level and quickly shoveled a few scoops into her mouth. She only managed a few bites before a wave of nausea hit her. She doubled over and threw up what little she ate, unable to keep it down. Once she was done, Ellie rested her head back on the cabinets behind her, trying to collect herself. Once the nausea went away, she stood up, impressed with herself for being able to accomplish even that small feat. She took a few steps towards the bed, and sat on the edge. She took another pill from the medical bag, and swallowed it dry. She closed her eyes, and fell backwards, her head hitting the stiff mattress, once again drifting off to sleep.</p><p>The next time she woke up, she was drenched in sweat. <em>Good, I’m breaking this fever,</em> she thought, lifting the shirt to reveal the wound in her side. The stitches were holding up well, and the angry red ring around it, was almost non-existent. She had no idea how long she’d been asleep, but knew she felt much better today.  She stood up from the bed and shuffled to the kitchen portion of the ship, careful to not step in the mess she left behind from the other night. She ripped open a fresh MRE and prepared it. She was able to eat about half the meal, and was able to keep the food down. Once she finished eating, she went and swallowed another pill.</p><p>“Okay Ellie,” she said aloud “We stay here another 2 nights to rest, and take the rest of the pills. After that…” she glanced down at the bracelet on her wrist, “We are going home.”</p><p>2 more nights came and went, each day Ellie felt a little stronger. She had time to assess the mess of a cauterization to her hand, and stitched up the rest of the area that was left open. Her hand looked disgusting, and would forever remind her of the moment when she almost lost herself forever.</p><p>On the 3<sup>rd</sup> day Ellie put on her back pack and headed out, heading back to Wyoming. <em>Back to the farm</em>… She thought… <em>But Dina said she wasn’t going to…. No I can’t think like that right now. She and JJ are the only hope I have left. </em></p><p>Ellie walked out into the California sun and began making her way back home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strike>Home</strike>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>How long have I been gone? <strike>Will Dina and JJ still be there? </strike>I need to see Dina. I need to see JJ. It’s been a few days since I’ve left the Rattlers area. I’m moving too fucking slowly, but it’s been smooth so far. Better not jinx it. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Set up camp just outside a town called Victorville, where I was able to catch a rabbit with one of those traps Dina made on our trip up to Seattle. Don’t have a knife on me, so I attempted to skin it with my hands and a sharp rock I found. An image of Joel popped up in my head. I didn’t eat. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Had to sneak around a camp full of hunters as I was nearing Las Vegas. I really needed a knife, but it’s too much of a risk to try and steal one from one of those fuckers. I’d probably end up ripping the stitches in my side, and it’d be back to square one. I overheard them talking about heading into the city for supplies. <strike>They’re not gonna make it through.</strike> Good luck with that.  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I don’t know how, but I ended up at St. Mary’s Hospital. I didn’t go inside. I just stared at it. Kept hearing what Joel told me the last night we talked. <strike>I’d do it all over again.</strike> I’m not mad this time though. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Finally in Wyoming. Almost there potato. I wonder if you’re walking yet.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Got caught by a group of runners just outside of Hoback. Had to take shelter. All I can think about is Dina and JJ. I’m so close. Just have to wait it out, but the longer I’m here by myself, the more doubt I have about whether they’ll be there. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>              Ellie closed her journal, not bothering to read the song she wrote yesterday while waiting for the group of runners to pass her by. She put the journal back inside her back pack and stood up. She had just approached the edge of woods where she could see the farmhouse in the distance. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. When the farmhouse first came into sight, Ellie was filled with fear. She wanted to believe that Dina and JJ were still there, waiting to welcome her with open arms. It was the only thing that kept her going, on her trek back home. As she got closer to the house, reality started to sink in. She was here… so close to her goal… yet, she knew the chances that Dina was still there were slim to none. It had been about 2 months, give or take a few days that Ellie had been gone. Two months since she walked out, leaving Dina even as she was pleading with her to stay.</p>
<p>              <em>So stupid </em>Ellie berated herself as she began walking forward. Once she was inside the gate to the farmhouse, Ellie’s heart felt like it sunk to the pit of her stomach. She could see a few shutters had fallen off from the side, and the garden that had been in their back yard looked dried and withered from where she stood. The porch no longer had the chairs they used to sit on to watch the sunsets, or the potted plants that Dina always took such great care of. There were no signs of life as she approached the abandoned tractor in the middle of the wilted field. Ellie paused a moment, debating on whether or not she wanted to continue walking. <em>Just, go fucking check it out… maybe she left a note… or something. </em>She steeled herself, and proceeded onward.</p>
<p>              Ellie walked out of the house with all hope lost. <em>I deserve this.</em> No Dina. No JJ. No Joel. No Jesse. Not even her guitar. Avoiding dwelling on the intense feeling of emptiness she was experiencing, she kept on moving, heading toward the only other place she called home. She didn’t know what would be there waiting for her. <em>Would people be welcoming? What is Tommy going to do when he finds out that I didn’t kill Abby? Would Dina even be happy to see me? Is she even there</em>? All these thoughts continued to swirl through Ellie’s mind. She played out different scenarios in her head, ranging from the best possible outcome, to the shittiest.  The best outcome would be that Dina welcomes her with open arms, thrilled with the fact that she’s still alive and that anything she’s ever done to mess everything up ends up being long forgotten. “Psh, yeah right.” Ellie muttered, kicking a rock on the ground as she continue walking. The worst outcome… well, Ellie didn’t want to think about it anymore.  </p>
<p>              Before she knew it, she was staring up at the gates of Jackson where she saw 4 rifle barrels poke themselves through the barrier.  </p>
<p>“Stop right there! State your name and your business!” a man’s voice shouted from behind the gate.</p>
<p><em>Yeesh, I forgot they became a bit stricter at the gates ever since… </em>Ellie couldn’t finish her thought.</p>
<p>“Ellie. Williams”, she responded. “Uhm, I used to live here?” turning her statement into a question. A little surprised that there wasn’t at least one person who recognized her.</p>
<p>“Hold!” was the response.</p>
<p>Ellie stood awkwardly, and went to place her hands in the pockets of her jacket, when there came another shout from behind the fence.</p>
<p>“Stop! Keep your hands out of your pockets! Raise them!” ordered a female voice this time. She was already nervous about being back at Jackson and this was making it so much worse. She raised her hands, keeping focus on the rifles in case someone became trigger happy. Just as her arms started to burn from being held up in the air, she heard a muffled ‘Oh my god’ from behind the gate, followed by the sound of it unlocking.</p>
<p>Out through the gates rushed Maria. Ellie thought she saw tears in her eyes, but was smothered in a hug before she could really tell. The human contact was unexpected and at first Ellie froze, not knowing what to do, but Maria held on any way. It almost felt desperate, as if Maria was afraid that if she’d let go, Ellie would disappear forever. Ellie on the other hand, felt quite the opposite. After the initial shock of being held wore off, she realized it had been too long since she felt this grounded. Ellie threw her arms around the other woman, closing her eyes tight, willing away any tears that were threatening to form.</p>
<p>“Christ, Ellie!” Marie exclaimed, “I thought you had…how could you go and do something so reckless?” Maria gave one final squeeze, then let go of her. Ellie opened her mouth to answer, but had no words.</p>
<p>“Well,” Maria sighed, “All that matters is that you’re safe and back with us. C’mon, let’s head inside.”</p>
<p>Maria wrapped one arm around Ellie and walked at her side through the gates. Ellie didn’t recognize the 1 woman and 3 young men that were guarding the gate. She had been gone for a while, not just the time spent heading to Santa Barbara and back, but for those months spent at the farm with Dina and JJ.</p>
<p>They walked in silence. Ellie could feel Maria wanting to say something, but she was glad that she kept any questions or comments she had to herself, at least for right now. It was hard enough hearing the whispers and even some gasps from passerby’s that did recognize her. She kept her head down, as she walked, not wanting to make eye contact with anybody who was staring at her. She must have looked a sight. She lost herself, not only mentally, but physically during this trip. All her clothes were looser than usual and she noticed her ribs were becoming more and more visible each time she lifted her shirt to tend to her wound. Self-care wasn’t exactly on the top of her priority list, and the best she did to wash up was splash some water on her face whenever a fresh water source was available. Other than that, she just kept on trucking through until she made it to Jackson. Still lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t realized that Maria guided her straight to the town’s medical building.  </p>
<p>“Wait,” started Ellie, “I don’t… not right now. I want to see…”</p>
<p>“No.” stated Maria. Cutting off Ellie before she could finish her sentence. “Ellie, you look… rough, and that’s putting it lightly. We need to get you fixed up.” Maria’s arm that was still around Ellie’s shoulders kept her from turning around. Maria opened the door, ushering the younger girl inside.</p>
<p>“Hey Doc,” Maria yelled out. “We need your assistance in here.”</p>
<p>“Maria?” Dr. Hobbs asked, as she walked out from the back room where the medical beds were held. Ellie was grateful to see the familiar older woman. It had been a while since Ellie had needed to see a doctor in Jackson. In fact, if she remembered correctly, she hadn’t seen Dr. Hobbs since Dina gave birth.</p>
<p>Dr. Hobbs was one of the two ‘certified’ doctors in Jackson. They had earned their titles shortly before the outbreak, and both of them were well into their 60’s.  Jackson was super lucky to have two doctors, but Ellie had always liked Dr. Hobbs better than Dr. Gibson. He seemed to always just be annoyed whenever she had to come get patched up. I guess in his defense, Ellie did seem to get hurt more often than the others; although, with just as many visits, Dr. Hobbs was never annoyed. She would just roll her eyes and laugh whenever she saw Ellie stroll in through the front door. However, this wasn’t the case this time.</p>
<p>“Oh my goodness, Ellie?” questioned the doctor. Ellie gave the best awkward smile and wave she could manage.</p>
<p>“Come on in, honey.” Said Dr. Hobbs, motioning for Ellie to follow her to the beds in the back. Ellie followed willingly with Maria trailing behind her. Ellie was glad that there was no one else in the back.</p>
<p>“Lay back on that one.” Ordered Dr. Hobbs.</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t really need to… maybe I can just get some clean bandages?” Ellie asked.</p>
<p>Dr. Hobbs shot her a look that told Ellie she was in no position to argue. Ellie self-consciously to walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down.</p>
<p>“Lay all the way back,” said the doctor, without even having to turn around to know that Ellie was only sitting on the edge.</p>
<p>Ellie let out a huff but complied. Maria came up and stood next to the bed putting her hand on Ellie’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. Dr. Hobbs made her way up to Ellie with the supplies she had gathered. Ellie saw an IV bag in her hand and her eyes widened. Those IV bags were a precious commodity, extremely hard to come by. Ellie knew these were only used for those in critical conditions.</p>
<p>“Hold on, you don’t have to use that, I’m sure I’ll be fine with some food and water…”</p>
<p>“Hush now,” the doctor interrupted. “Look at you, all skin and bones! If you tried to eat anything solid right now it’d come right back up!” exclaimed the older woman. “Let’s get you hydrated before you try and eat. Now let me see your arm.”</p>
<p>Ellie awkwardly held out her arm for the doctor, watching as she placed the IV. Once placed, the doctor began tending to her wounds. Starting with her left hand.</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, Ellie,” Maria whispered softly, looking at her left hand. In her excitement in seeing Ellie, she didn’t notice her missing fingers. Ellie couldn’t lift her eyes to meet her gaze, ashamed of her disfigured hand.</p>
<p>The doctor studied her hand a bit. “Well, these are sealed up as good as they’re going to get. Have you lost any feeling in your hand?” Ellie shook her head in response.</p>
<p>“Lucky” stated the doctor, shaking her head slightly. “Do you have any other major wounds?”</p>
<p>Ellie lifted her shirt to where her side had been cut open by the tree when she first got to Santa Barbara.</p>
<p>The doctor clicked her tongue against her teeth. “Well, you stitched them up pretty good, but I’d imagine you’d have some skill in that by now…,” said the older woman. She flashed a smile at Ellie for the first time since she’d been here. Ellie managed a smile in return. The doctor continued scanning the rest of her body, tending to any other cuts and scrapes she could see. Ellie turned her attention back to Maria.</p>
<p>“Maria…Dina, she’s here right? I have to see her.” Ellie said. When she mentioned Dina’s name, she noticed a subtle hiccup in the doctor’s movements, and the look on Maria’s face did not bode well.</p>
<p> “Ellie,” Maria sighed, then started again, “Ellie. Dina is safe here in town with JJ. She’s living with Jesse’s parents…Came back a few weeks after you left.” Maria paused when she saw tears forming in Ellie’s eyes and put her hand on Ellie’s arm to show some support. “I get that you want to see her, I really do, but…” her sentence trailed off. Ellie turned her head away from Maria, unable to control the tears falling down her face.</p>
<p>“Well, everything else seems to be minor.” The doctor interrupted, not really wanting to be a part of this intimate moment. “The wound on your side should only need a few more weeks to heal up properly. You can come back here to get the stitches removed when the time comes. Other than that, it looks like the most helpful thing for you is going to be that IV, some rest, and definitely a shower.” Ellie managed to let out a chuckle and wipe the tears from her eyes. “Well I’ll leave you two be. Maria..,” the older woman turned her attention her way, “…make sure she stays the night here.” And with that, the doctor walked out of the room.</p>
<p>Ellie looked back up at Maria. “Please, can you just tell her…actually I don’t even know what to say.”</p>
<p>“I’m not your messenger Ellie. Anything you want to say, you’re gonna have to do it yourself. I just don’t recommend doing that anytime soon.” Ellie could only nod in response, turning her head to stare blankly at the other side of the room. “I’ll tell you what I will do,” Maria continued, “As soon as I leave here, I’m going to let Dina know that you’re in town, so the poor girl doesn’t have a heart attack if she happens to see you wandering the streets.” Maria shook her head. “I guess I also need to go tell Tommy, even though it’s his damn fault for you leaving…” Ellie’s attention snapped back up to Maria.</p>
<p>“Wait, Maria, no it’s not his fault. I chose to leave. He didn’t force me to do anything…Are you two not… I mean I know before I left, when he came to visit, he said you two were having problems…but figured… I don’t know.”</p>
<p>This time it was Maria who had to look away. “Look Ellie, now’s not really the time or place to be discussing this. When you all first came back from Seattle, he was a broken man. And I’m not just talking about physically. He was completely different, bitter, and angry…and… You may feel that way about Tommy, but Ellie, to me all he did was guilt trip you into leaving. He should have never done that. I’m sorry…,” Maria crossed her arms in front of herself, suddenly finding the floor interesting.</p>
<p>“No, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” Ellie stated firmly. “This is no one’s fault but mine. I made a dumb decision, and it was all for…” Ellie couldn’t finish her sentence. She laid her head back on the pillow, squeezing her eyes shut. <em>This is no one’s fault but mine,</em> reiterating to herself what she just said out loud. Since Ellie had her eyes shut, she couldn’t see Maria’s interest pique at her unfinished sentence. Maria wanted to ask, but decided against it. Knowing Ellie enough to know that she was stubborn as a bull, and if she didn’t want to talk about it, there was no point in trying to force the subject matter out of her.</p>
<p>“Ellie, I’m gonna head out. You heard the doc, stay here for the night. I’ll be back in the morning and we’ll figure out where you’ll be staying now that you’re back in Jackson.”</p>
<p>Ellie could only nod in response. The minute that Ellie shut her eyes, she realized she hadn’t laid down on something so comfortable in a while. This was just some crappy bed in the medical building, at that. Ellie’s worried thoughts were not strong enough to keep her away from the deep sleep she hadn’t had in months. She hadn’t noticed when Maria left her side. She hadn’t noticed the shift change when Dr. Gibson came in to cover for Dr. Hobbs. And she definitely hadn’t noticed those deep brown eyes that briefly bore into her, expressing shock, anger, and sadness.   </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Bigot Soup</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I think the best thing to do right now is give her some space.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I know, but I reckon she’d wanna stay at her old place anyway right?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie began waking up to two familiar voices. So involved in their conversation, they didn’t notice her movement and continued talking.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know Tommy,” Maria countered. “She seems different. Lost. More so than she did before she left.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are ya sure she didn’t say anythin’ about what happened out there? Or if she even made it?” questioned Tommy. </p><p> </p><p>“No, she didn’t.” Maria replied, with a healthy dose of irritation in her voice. “All I know is that she never should have gone in the first place.”</p><p> </p><p>“Goddammit Maria, ya don’t have to go make me feel any more like shit than I already do!” retorted Tommy, his voice raising. “I get it, maybe I shoulda never gone to Ellie with that information, but she’s back now, and she’s safe! And if I’m bein’ completely honest, I hope she made it all the way and killed that fuckin’ bitch that killed my brother!”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie twitched at Tommy’s last comment, letting her eyes snap open. She didn’t want the conversation to continue, but unfortunately, neither noticed Ellie fully awake as Maria rounded on Tommy.</p><p> </p><p>“For fucks’ sake Tommy, this isn’t even about Joel anymore and we both know it. This was all a selfish move to get back at that girl for what she did to you!”</p><p> </p><p>“How fuckin’ dare…”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhh,” Ellie muttered unintentionally. She didn’t like seeing Tommy and Maria arguing and the choked sound that came out her mouth was the only sound she could make. They had always been so good together for as long as she’s known them; and the sight before her, truly left her speechless. </p><p> </p><p>Maria whipped her head around, tears glistening in her eyes. Ellie had to briefly look away. Maria, the matriarch of this community, had always been so strong, and seeing her like this was unsettling. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie.” Tommy whispered her name. He walked over to Ellie, his limp worse than the last time she saw him. He stood by her bed in silence, the anger that consumed him only a few moments ago had completely disappeared.  Ellie peered behind him, where Maria stood, now with her back to the both of them. Ellie brought her attention back to Tommy, who was looking at the floor instead of her. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could Tommy fell into the chair that had been placed by her bed, and began to cry. Tears silently spilling down his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I’m so glad you’re back. You made it, just like I knew you would. I knew I could count on you. I’ve done nothing but blame myself for you leaving, but I knew, if anyone could finish what we started, it would be you.” Tommy continued to let tears fall down his face. He reached out one of his hands and covered Ellie’s. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked to where Maria had been standing, uncomfortable with the situation she was in, hoping that the blonde woman could offer some kind of distraction, but Maria had completely disappeared from the back room. It must have been an attempt to give them some privacy, but Ellie was in no state to handle this. She looked back at Tommy, wanting to blurt out the truth of what happened in Santa Barbara, but she knew better. Now was not the time, so she said the only thing that she thought Tommy needed to hear right now. </p><p> </p><p>“Tommy, it wasn’t your fault.” Ellie started, “It was mine. I wasn’t… I wasn’t right. I needed to get some closure. It wouldn’t have mattered if you came to me with that information or not, I would have left regardless. You have nothing to be sorry about. I have nothing to forgive.”</p><p> </p><p>That seemed to have the opposite effect that Ellie wanted. The older man let out a sputter, before burying his face in his free hand. Ellie remained still, letting the man whom she thought of as an uncle calm himself down. </p><p> </p><p>“Goddamnit girl, you are too good of a person.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie flinched at the words. As far as she was concerned she was far from good. She spiraled out of control, losing everything and everyone she had in her life that was ever good. <em>What would Tommy think of her when he finds out I didn’t kill Abby? What would Maria think about it? What would anyone think about me threatening the life of an innocent boy to fight an already nearly dead Abby? Would I </em><em>lose</em><em> them too? What would Dina think? Dina. </em>As soon as the name entered her thoughts, she was unable to think of anything else. </p><p> </p><p>In the midst of her thoughts, she could hear Tommy saying something, but it was more background noise to the memories of Dina that swirled in her head. It wasn’t until his hand waved in front of her face that she snapped out of the stupor she was in. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, lost you there for a second. So what do you think?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie just sheepishly stared at him, not having heard one thing he said to her. She refocused her attention back at him properly, noticing he had collected himself well, as there was hardly any evidence that he had been crying at all. </p><p> </p><p>He let out a chuckle before repeating himself, “Like I was sayin’, I’ve been living at Joel’s old place since Maria and I… and well the back garage is still available if you’d like to be my neighbor.” Tommy said, with more than a hint of hopefulness to his voice. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked at the older man, carefully weighing her options. She wouldn’t mind being at her old place. It might give her the sense of home that she was so desperately missing, but staying so close to Tommy could be a problem. Having witnessed some of his behavior toward Maria this morning, only helped confirm that he had changed. While she still didn’t blame him for her leaving, maybe Maria was right in saying that his motivation for still wanting to track Abby was selfish.</p><p> </p><p>Her memories quickly shot back to Seattle, in the theater planning to leave, without going after the one person they actually came to waterlogged city for. He seemed perfectly okay with it then. It was only Ellie who was still so consumed with hate that she wanted to continue in her search, but hesitantly complied any way. It was Tommy’s willingness to leave Abby behind that made her feel somewhat better about the whole situation. Unfortunately, this was not the same Tommy currently sitting in front of her.</p><p> </p><p><em>He’s going to want to know what happened out in Santa Barbara. I can’t lie to him about that, but right now… I can’t do this right now,</em> she thought. </p><p> </p><p>“Tommy, that’s really nice of you to offer, but… I don’t know if I want to stay so close to Joel’s place right now,” she said quickly. It wasn’t totally a lie, and she knew it would keep Tommy from being persistent about it. </p><p> </p><p>“Ah okay, yeah, that’s fine. I get it.” He sat up a little more straight and scratched the back of his head. “Well, I think Maria has somethin’ planned for ya anyway.” He stood up slowly, stretching a little as he did. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be wantin’ some time to yourself, and I know me blubberin’ like a little school girl didn’t help any.” he joked. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out a snort as he gave a couple of pats on her shoulder. “I’ll best be off. I’ll let Maria know to come get ya.” He turned to walk off, but paused before turning back around. “If ya change your mind about the garage, let me know and I’ll get it fixed up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks Tommy. I’ll let you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, see you later.”</p><p> </p><p>As soon as he was out of sight, Ellie let out a loud sigh and observed her surroundings. All the other beds were still empty, for which she was extremely grateful. She noticed her arm was no longer hooked to the IV and instead there was a bandage wrapped when the needle was yesterday. </p><p> </p><p><em>Jeez, I must have really passed out last night for me to not have felt the IV being taken out of my arm. </em>she thought, as she rubbed the spot, over the bandage where the IV was placed. She winced from the sensitivity there. </p><p> </p><p>She heard some movement coming from the front and turned her head to look as Maria popped back in.</p><p> </p><p>“Morning Ellie,” Maria started off saying, seemingly completely unfazed by the argument with Tommy from earlier. “How’d you sleep?”</p><p> </p><p>“Good, actually. I didn’t even notice when Dr. Hobbs removed the IV from my arm.” Ellie said, lifting her arm for Maria to see. </p><p> </p><p>“Dr. Gibson.” stated Maria. </p><p> </p><p>“Huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was Doctor Gibson who removed the IV from your arm. He came in last night at some point to take over for Dr. Hobbs. He removed that earlier this morning. He actually should be back here pretty soon. He wants to take some vitals from you before giving you the clear to leave.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh.” muttered Ellie, unconsciously crossing her arms in front of her. </p><p> </p><p>Maria clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Be nice, Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>Just as she said that, Dr. Gibson appeared through the doorway. </p><p> </p><p>“Miss Williams, glad to see you’re finally awake. Let’s take some of your vitals and see if that IV Dr. Hobbs placed last night did any good.”</p><p> </p><p>He walked around grabbing a battery powered blood pressure machine. He wrapped the cuff around the arm that Ellie had the IV placed, flinching as the cuff squeezed her arm almost unbearably tight. </p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t move.” he stated plainly, only focusing on the screen before him. </p><p> </p><p>After a few more painful seconds, the cuff released pressure and the machine made a beeping sound, indicating the test was done.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm, well Miss Williams, it looks like there has been some definite improvement in your blood pressure and pulse.” He stated, comparing what Dr. Hobbs had written on her chart from the night before with the screen of the blood pressure monitor.</p><p> </p><p>He moved to remove the cuff from around Ellie’s arm, but continued talking. “I’d say you’re okay to leave if you’d like. Dr. Hobbs mentioned you were trying to get out of here last night, but she kept you here. Definitely a good call on her part considering your readings from then.” He turned his attention to Maria. “Make sure she gets something to eat. I wouldn’t recommend anything solid. It doesn’t look like she’s had solid food in a while, and probably wouldn’t be able to keep anything down.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out a huff and rolled her eyes. Dr. Gibson was talking to Maria as if Ellie was a kid that couldn’t take care of herself. She was about to interrupt the doctor, but Maria focused her attention on her for a quick second, raising an eyebrow in a silent threat that made her keep her mouth shut. So, she settled on rolling her eyes and crossing her arms, as she waited for the doctor to finish talking.</p><p> </p><p>“And lastly, I know that Dr. Hobbs mentioned this to her last night, but make sure she’s back here in a few weeks to get those stitches out from her side.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay doc, thanks. I’ll be sure she does all that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, well it was good seeing you Maria.” </p><p> </p><p>And with that, the doctor disappeared back through the doorway. Maria just look at Ellie and shrugged her shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, did you catch all that?” asked Maria with a smirk on her face. </p><p> </p><p>“Sure.” quipped Ellie.  </p><p> </p><p>Maria chuckled, but then turned serious. </p><p> </p><p>“Alright, so Tommy said you didn’t take his offer to stay back at your old place?” Maria asked for confirmation. </p><p> </p><p>“Right.” Ellie replied, nodding her head at the same time. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, my plans to find you a place yesterday kind of fell through. I got held up talking to Tommy about you being back, and then Dina…I just lost all track of time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dina… what did she say?”</p><p> </p><p>Maria sighed. “Nothing much Ellie. She didn’t have anything to say at first. Then she had lots of questions. Just began pacing and asking questions that I had no answers for. Then she cried, and she did that for a while. I didn’t want to leave her, so I stayed, and just let her let it all out.” </p><p> </p><p>Tears were forming in Ellie’s eyes. She didn’t have enough strength this time to keep a few from escaping. “Did she say anything else?” Ellie asked, eyes hopeful. The look of pity in Maria’s face confirmed her fears.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing Ellie. It was pretty late when I got to her place after talking with Tommy. After she collected herself, she went back inside. The lights turned out, so I assume she went to sleep. Or at least tried to.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie’s eyes dropped from Maria’s gaze, sadness consuming her features. </p><p> </p><p>Maria placed a hand on her shoulder, giving a squeeze. “Give it some time Ellie. She thought… I mean we all hoped that you would make it back, but… it’s been hard.”</p><p> </p><p>Maria looked to Ellie for a response, but the younger girl remained silent. Not wanting to dwell on this topic, Maria steered the conversation back to where she started.</p><p> </p><p> “Hey, but back to what I was trying to say, Ellie. I wasn’t able to find you a place of your own, so I’m hoping you might feel comfortable in one of my spare bedrooms until we find you a place? And it might be better overall for you to stay with someone while you’re getting back to full strength.”</p><p> </p><p>While all Ellie wanted right now was to go somewhere and be by herself, she knew Maria was right. As much as Ellie hated to admit it, she didn’t think she was okay enough, physically, to be on her own. Maria would be the best choice as far as someone to stay with as well, because she knew the older woman wouldn’t press her for information. She looked up at Maria. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, that sounds good.”</p><p> </p><p>Maria’s eyebrows raised in shock at Ellie agreeing without contest. “Okay then. Well you heard the doctor. We’re good to go if you feel like you’re ready.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie just nodded her head in agreement and moved to sit up on the bed. Maria helped her stand up, which Ellie was grateful for as she felt a little lightheaded from being prone for so long and really not having had anything to eat within the last two or three days.</p><p> </p><p>Maria grabbed Ellie’s backpack from the ground next to the bed and slung it over her shoulder. They made their way out the medical building and onto the streets of Jackson. </p><p> </p><p>They walked in silence to Maria’s place. If Maria was annoyed with having to keep pace with Ellie’s slow shuffle, she didn’t say anything about it. It was almost midday in Jackson, so the streets weren’t too busy. All the adults would be at their assigned jobs, and all the kids would be at their lessons. Ellie kept her head down anyway as she walked, not wanting anyone to see her. <em>Not even Dina</em>. Not that Ellie didn’t want to see her, but after Maria told her of the encounter she had with Dina last night, it was clear that Dina didn’t want to see her.</p><p> </p><p>Finally reaching the front of the two story house, Maria took a few steps in front of Ellie so she could open the front door for her. She quickly closed the door behind them and led Ellie to one of her spare bedrooms. It was up on the second floor, so it took Ellie what she felt was an embarrassing amount of time to get to the top. The walk from the medical building to Maria’s house took a lot out of her. When she finally got to the room, she collapsed face first on the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie!?” Maria exclaimed, rushing to her aid. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, I’m fine!” Ellie said, raising her hand in the air as a signal for Maria to stop. “Sorry, I’m being dramatic. I’m just exhausted.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Okay… well are you hungry? Do you feel up for trying to eat something?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.” Ellie responded, still face down on the bed. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, well I’m going to run down to the Tipsy Bison and get Seth to make up some soup for you. I’ll be right back.” She said as she walked out of the room.</p><p> </p><p>“Great,” muttered Ellie as soon as Maria was out of earshot. “Bigot soup.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. It's Complicated</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie sat, wrapped only in a towel on the edge of the bed in her new room, hair already dried from the bath she took over an hour ago. Physically, Ellie felt better after eating the soup Maria got from Seth, but she couldn’t help dwelling on the conversation that her and Maria had when she finished eating.  </p><p> <em>As soon as she caught a whiff of the homemade broth, her stomach growled ferociously in anticipation. Worried about being able to keep it down, she cautiously tried a small spoonful. As soon as she swallowed, the liquid warmed up her whole body. She began spooning the soup into her mouth quicker, eventually letting go of the utensil, and bringing the bowl up to her mouth to drink straight from the source. Maria, who was sitting on the chair in Ellie’s room, tried once to get Ellie to slow down, but knew better than to persist. Much to her amazement, Ellie finished the soup in record time without any issue. </em></p><p>
  <em>Maria stood to take the now empty bowl from Ellie, when her movements were halted by the words that came out of Ellie’s mouth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m going to go see Dina and JJ.” Ellie blurted right as she moved the bowl down from her mouth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maria closed her open hand that she had extended in effort to grab the bowl from Ellie, dropping her arm down to her side. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ellie, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I don’t know if that is such a good idea.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ve made up my mind. She may not want to see me, and maybe I should respect that, but I can’t not try Maria. The thought of reuniting with them was the only thing that kept me going after everything that happened in Santa Barbara.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie held Maria’s gaze for a second. She could tell Maria wanted to ask, and Ellie thought that maybe she should tell her. Maria may be the only person to be understanding, but quickly decided against it, looking away from Maria’s questioning stare. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know what happened out there in California Ellie, and you don’t have to tell me, but leaving Dina the way you did… I just think it might be best if you allow her to see you when she’s ready.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And what if she’s never ready?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Then that’s her choice to make.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t think…. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that, Maria.” Ellie whispered, looking down at her hands. “I have to try… if she doesn’t want to talk to me after today, then I’ll abide by her request… but until that point… I just… I need…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay.” Maria interrupted. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie’s eyes shot up to the older woman’s. “Dina is on patrol right now. Her shift ends around 4 this evening.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dina’s doing patrols? Why would you let her…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“She insisted,” Maria cut her off bluntly. “Besides, it’s not your place to have any say on her decisions after you left, don’t you think?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie stayed silent. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So, like I said, Dina’s shift ends at 4, I recommend getting some rest and a shower before that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie nodded her head in response. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ellie, I’m sorry to be so blunt, it’s just seeing you like this… I don’t want to see you get hurt any more than you already are. I’m worried about…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“About what I might do?” Ellie finished Maria’s sentence. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I just don’t want you running away… or… or worse, Ellie.” Maria said, unable to bring herself to say what was worse. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There had only been one suicide in Jackson that Ellie was aware of, and needless to say it shocked the whole community. The man, Thomas, was a quiet guy, never missed any assignments or town gatherings. Ellie knew that there was some part of Maria that blamed herself for not being able to notice that he was obviously going through something. Being that she is the matriarch of the community, Ellie understood why she was so concerned. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I won’t do anything like that, Maria. Even if Dina… Jackson is all I have anymore. I’ll be fine.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay, well you have a few hours before the end of her shift. I’ll put some fresh towels in the bathroom for you. Oh there should be some spare shirts and pants in the drawer there,” Maria said, motioning to the chest of drawers that was opposite of the bed that Ellie was sitting on. “I have to go check on some things around town, but I should be back before nightfall. Be careful Ellie, and don’t do anything too strenuous please.” </em>
</p><p>That was the last thing Maria said to her before heading out. The conversation about whether or not Ellie should meet with her, should be Dina’s choice plagued her mind with doubt. <em>What if me going over there makes things worse? </em>But Ellie shook her head, “I don’t think things could get much worse than this…” she said aloud in the empty room.</p><p>She looked over at the digital clock that read 3:54, and took a deep, steadying breath. She slowly stood and walked over to where Maria pointed out where the spare clothes were. Opening the drawer, she noticed two plain white t shirts and a pair of blue jeans. She threw them on, quickly realizing they were too big for her, but was in no position to complain. She made a mental note to attempt to go to Jackson’s community center tomorrow and pick up some clothes.</p><p>Once dressed, she walked back to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. It was the first time she can remember really looking at herself since Joel died. She knew she looked a bit more presentable now that she had bathed and had clean clothes on, but bagginess of the clothes accentuated her already undernourished frame. She had dark circles under her eyes and her skin appeared slightly weathered and sunburnt from the trek home. She grabbed a brush that was sitting near the sink and ran it through her hair until she felt that it no longer looked like a birds nest. Finally, she grabbed Dina’s bracelet she left on the sink while she bathed and reattached it to her wrist, pausing to look at her mutilated hand, grimacing at the sight, before shoving her hand in the pants’ pocket and walking out of the bathroom.</p><p>Making her way downstairs, she noted the analog clock that Maria had in her living area which now read 4:30. She didn’t want to get to Dina’s place before she had time to get home from her assignment, but Ellie was getting too antsy and decided she couldn’t wait anymore. If Dina wasn’t there when she arrived, she could wait for her.</p><p>Careful not to exert herself, Ellie walked an easy pace to Dina’s house. A few folks that did see her waved and called out her name. She waved back politely, and chose to ignore the hushed whispers from groups that she passed. She was sure that her trip to Santa Barbara was common knowledge in the small town. It was to be expected, and she would have to deal with it.</p><p>She was finally at the front porch of Jesse’s parents’ house, staring dauntingly at the front door. She had been here so many times. Memories of her, Dina, and Jesse, hanging out after patrols, watching movies, or sometimes just sitting around, trading off stories of their time before Jackson, flashed through her head. Then there was the last time she visited this place. They had just gotten back from Seattle, and she bared the burden of telling Robin and Tony that their son died in Seattle, in an attempt to help her revenge Joel’s murder. The two were heartbroken to hear their only child had been killed, but made it clear to Ellie that they did not blame her for his death. She didn’t feel like she deserved their kindness towards her, but was grateful for it nonetheless.  When JJ was born, they didn’t even begin to question Ellie’s role in his life. They treated her just like she was as much as his mom as Dina was.</p><p><em>But now what, </em>Ellie thought, as she stood frozen at the first step of the porch. She abandoned their grandchild and Dina in a bloodthirsty attempt to finish what was started in Seattle. <em>And it was all for nothing.</em></p><p>Ellie went to take the first step up to the porch when the front door opened.</p><p>“She’s not back yet.”</p><p>Ellie snapped her head up, not having heard the click of the door handle, and saw Robin standing there. She had a hand on her hip, with an apron tied around her waist, appearing to have just been in the kitchen.</p><p>“Oh uh, okay.” stuttered Ellie, taking her foot off the first step, scratching the back of her head with her good hand. She wasn’t exactly sure if she was invited here anymore.</p><p>Robin noticed and clicked her tongue. “Get over here, let me take a look at you.”</p><p>Ellie hesitantly walked up the stairs, holding onto the railing for support. As soon as she got close enough, Robin took a step forward and pulled Ellie in for a hug.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re okay.” Robin said into Ellie’s shoulder. The older woman was a few inches shorter than Ellie, Jesse clearly got his height from his dad.</p><p>“We were heartbroken to hear when you left. After everything that happened in Seattle with that girl, we didn’t think… well it doesn’t matter now, does it?” asked Robin, taking a step back, rubbing Ellie’s arms up and down, almost as if she didn’t believe the young woman was actually standing in front of her.</p><p>Ellie smiled at the older woman, grateful that things seemed to be going really well so far. She was about to respond to her when she heard a loud cry from inside the house. <em>JJ,</em> she thought, her heart pounding in anticipation. She looked behind Robin to see if she could see the source of the sound, when Robin backed up into the house.</p><p>“Ellie, I have to go check on him. I’m sorry, but I know you and Dina have some things to work out. She should be back soon from her shift. I would invite you to wait inside, but… uh…” Robin winced, which told Ellie everything she needed to know about where she stood in regards to being able to see JJ. That ball was in Dina’s court.</p><p>“It’s okay, I understand.” Ellie stated plainly, not wanting her emotion about the situation to show.</p><p>“I’m sorry Ellie. I’ll tell Tony you stopped by. I’m sure he’ll want a visit from you as well, so try not to be a stranger if you can help it! See you later.” And with that, the door was shut, JJ’s crying became muffled, and then all together quiet, surely once Robin started giving him attention.</p><p>Ellie could physically feel her heart aching knowing that JJ was so close to her, yet she wasn’t able to see or hold him. For as much pain she’s experienced in her years, this had to be the thing that’s hurt the most. She knew she had to make amends first before asking about seeing JJ. She would have to carry this pain for a while longer. <em>Hopefully not forever. </em></p><p>Ellie turned around and looked out from the porch, anxious to meet with Dina. She didn’t have to wait long, as she saw the girl not 5 minutes after the end of her conversation with Robin walking about two streets down, clearly coming from where the stables were. She was walking with a young man probably around their age, laughing at something he said. Ellie felt a pang of jealousy, which she knew she had no right to feel, but nonetheless only added to the ache in her heart. Ellie kept her eyes on Dina as she made her way closer to the house, heart pounding harder and harder with every step she took. It wasn’t until Dina was almost to the front of the yard that she noticed Ellie standing uneasily on the porch. She stopped and turned to the young man that Ellie guessed was walking her home from patrol.</p><p>“Hey Hector, thanks for walking me home, but uh, here’s fine.” Dina said as she made eye contact with Ellie.</p><p>“Oh uh,” Hector started before following Dina’s line of sight. “Yeah okay. I’ll see you tomorrow for the patrol then? Maybe we’ll end up in the same group?” he asked. Ellie could hear the hopefulness laced in his voice from where she stood. She wanted to roll her eyes, but knew better with Dina staring at her.</p><p>“Uh sure maybe,” replied Dina, not really allowing her eyes to leave Ellie’s.</p><p>“Okay, bye Dina,” Hector said, with an awkward wave.</p><p>He walked off. Ellie felt a sense of appeasement about how that conversation ended.</p><p>Dina finally broke eye contact with Ellie as she walked closer to the house and put one foot on the first step of the porch, before stopping and looking back up at Ellie.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Hey.” she mimicked, mentally kicking herself in the head.</p><p>Dina let out a snort, “Wow, so that’s it huh?” she asked as she started walking up the stairs. It was not the time for Ellie to get into the irony of that statement.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Dina was about to walk past Ellie when those words stopped her in her tracks. She stood next to Ellie, shoulders almost touching. Ellie took this moment as a chance to continue.</p><p>“Dina, I’m so sorry.” She reiterated. “I wish I never left. I should have listened to you and stayed. I was so lost. I just didn’t think that I was okay. That I’d never be okay for you. Or for JJ, unless I ended what I started.”</p><p>“Did you?” Dina cut in.  </p><p>“Did I?” Ellie asked confused.</p><p>“Did you finish what you started?” asked Dina with disdain. “Will you ever be finished with what you started Ellie?”</p><p>“I won’t leave again, if that’s what you’re worried about.”</p><p>Dina snorted and rolled her eyes. “You say that right now, but how am I supposed to believe that?”</p><p>“I don’t… I don’t know what you want me to say, Dina.”</p><p>Dina exhaled sharply, seemingly unimpressed with the conversation. She turned again and made a move to walk inside the house. Ellie panicked, and reached out for her arm. Dina looked down at the hand that grabbed her and let out a small gasp, noticing the missing fingers on Ellie’s left hand. Ashamed Ellie whipped her hand away and shoved it in the pocket of her jeans, looking away from Dina.</p><p>“Jesus, Ellie.” Dina said, voice timid, without any of contempt that laced her words just moments ago.</p><p>Ellie looked up at Dina, expecting to see pity written all over her face. But it wasn’t there. Instead, tears had formed and for a fragment of a second, Ellie could have sworn she saw all the love and care that Dina used to look at her with, but it fizzled away before she could really tell.</p><p>Dina tilted her head back in an attempt to stop the tears from falling, giving the bridge of her nose a squeeze.</p><p>“I can’t do this right now Ellie. I have to go feed JJ.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course,” started Ellie. “Uhm, how… how is he?” she asked, another attempt to keep the conversation going.</p><p>Dina studied her a moment before answering. “He’s doing okay… he’s getting really big.”</p><p>“Heh, I bet…” started Ellie, wanting to ask if he started walking yet.</p><p>“He really missed you.” blurted Dina. “He was so confused when you left. He wouldn’t stop crying, no matter what I did.”</p><p>Ellie looked down. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I stayed for 3 weeks, alone in that farmhouse Ellie. Hoping… praying, that you would come back. That you would realize you were making a mistake by going out there. But you didn’t and I had no choice.”</p><p>“I’m back now.” responded Ellie.</p><p>Dina let out an exasperated laugh, throwing her arms in the air. “Now is too late Ellie! I thought you were dead! Me, Maria, Tommy, this whole damn town! We thought we were never going to see you again! How could I not think that after what she did to us in Seattle? What she did to Jesse?! To Joel?!”</p><p>Ellie flinched at her words, but didn’t look away. She wanted to show Dina that she was listening. That she wanted to be better for herself and Dina</p><p>“I just… I don’t know how or what to feel right now. About you, about everything. I want to be mad at you…mad at you for abandoning us to go on a suicide mission. But seeing you alive… here in front of me… I just… I’m so relieved that you’re back. That you made it, but seeing the toll it took on you… seeing what happened, the lengths you went to in order to enact revenge on someone… it broke my heart to know that I wasn’t enough… that JJ wasn’t enough.”</p><p>“Dina, you were more than enough. You <em>are</em> more than enough!” exclaimed Ellie.</p><p>Dina’s gaze turned to steel. “If that were true, then you wouldn’t have left us.”</p><p>Ellie opened her mouth to try and counter Dina’s statement, but it was at that moment that she could hear the muffled sounds of JJ crying from inside the house.</p><p>Dina’s face immediately softened as she turned her head to look at where the sound was coming from, before turning back to Ellie.</p><p>“I have to go.”</p><p>Before Ellie could answer, Dina was already inside the house, leaving Ellie standing there on the porch staring at the now empty space before her.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Twang</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been almost two weeks since Ellie went to go see Dina. She hadn’t left Maria’s house since, wallowing in self-pity. She had started to eat solid foods again, and physically was feeling much better than the first day she arrived in Jackson. Her encounter with Dina left much to be desired, but the more she replayed their interaction, the more she thought she should back off. She could tell there was a lot more that Dina wanted to say, but Ellie didn’t feel like she was in the right to try and bring that out of her, especially since she was on the receiving end of that kind of treatment from Tommy. </p><p>He had stopped by Maria’s house every day since Ellie had been back, trying to make conversation. Ellie knew he was trying to pull information out of her about California, but she always pretended that she was getting too tired and needed rest whenever she felt the conversation was heading in that direction. Now that she was getting healthier, she knew that the excuse would no longer tide Tommy over. Being put in that position was awkward and frustrating, and she didn’t want to put Dina in that similar situation.</p><p>Maria, on the other hand, was being exactly what Ellie needed right now. Ellie knew that once she was at full strength, the older woman would expect for her to carry her own weight and help provide for the town, but for right now, Maria was making sure Ellie did not have to leave the house for anything. Ellie supposed that Maria was doing this to help the talk die out in the town, but nonetheless was grateful for it. She also didn’t pry about anything concerning Santa Barbara or even her encounter with Dina.</p><p>Tonight, Ellie was having dinner with Maria, just like they had every night since her return. Ellie didn’t really want to come down and have these dinners together, but did so out of respect for Maria. Maria was good about keeping the talk light, discussing what the town was up to, future functions, and some of the new folks that have made a living in Jackson since Ellie had been away. Sometimes there were lulls in the conversation, but Maria seemed just as comfortable with the silences as Ellie was.</p><p>It was on this Tuesday night, during one of their comfortable silences that both Maria and Ellie picked their heads up at the sound of knocking on the front door. <em>It’s kind of late, </em>Ellie thought as she got up from the table where they were eating their dinner.</p><p>“I’ll get it,” she said aloud as she made her way to the front door.</p><p>Her face fell a little as she opened the door. <em>Of course. Tommy hadn’t yet been here today. </em></p><p>“Hey Ellie, how ya doin’?” he started.</p><p>“Oh, hey Tommy. I’m doing fine.” replied Ellie, stepping to the side to let him into the house.</p><p>“Maria,” he said, nodding his head at the woman as a form of greeting.</p><p>“Hey Tommy, it’s kind of late, don’t you think?” questioned Maria.</p><p>The first day he came to visit Ellie, Maria wasn’t home, so Ellie had them sit out on the porch and talk. She told Maria about him unexpectedly coming by and Maria said it was okay if she were to invite him in. However, every time after that, Maria always found a way to be home when he came over. Each time that Ellie excused herself, and went up to her room, she could hear sounds of hushed arguments behind her closed door. She couldn’t help but feel at least some part responsible for their falling out. He went to Seattle for Ellie, because she couldn’t see past her rage. It was because of her that he almost died and came back the broken man that he was today.</p><p>“Awe c’mon, Maria.” groaned Tommy. “I just have somethin’ I wanted to give Ellie, is all.”</p><p>Ellie hadn’t noticed this when Tommy first walked in, but he had something strapped to his back. He moved to take it off, and revealed an acoustic guitar, stained a deep brown color, with a coat of gloss on top. He took the guitar by the neck, and presented it to Ellie.</p><p>“Uh, Tommy, this is… this is really nice of you, but I can’t play anymore.” said Ellie, unconsciously rubbing the spot on her hand where her fingers were missing.  </p><p>Tommy hadn’t noticed Ellie’s hand when he first came to see her, having sat on the right side of her body when she was being treated by the doctors, but did on his first visit to Maria’s house. Of course when he saw it, he outright started asking questions about how it happened, and if it happened in California or on the trip there or back. All the questions were making Ellie’s head spin, and it was the first time she used the excuse that she was too tired to carry on any more conversation. She was confused as to why he would bring her a guitar.</p><p>She was only made more confused when he let out a laugh.</p><p>“Take a closer look.” he prompted.</p><p>Ellie took a step closer and looked at the guitar. It was then that she noticed that the instrument was strung for a left handed player. Her eyes shot up at Tommy, mouth agape.</p><p>“Heh! I knew ya’d like it.”</p><p>“Holy shit Tommy. This is…” Ellie couldn’t finish her sentence, a smile plastered on her face. “It’ll take me forever to re-learn.”</p><p>“Well if ya learned it once, ya can learn it again. Here, take it.” He said handing her the guitar.</p><p>Ellie took the guitar, holding it up against herself, strumming a few times. It felt weird still, not being able to use all her fingers, but she was excited nonetheless. While this may have looked like any regular guitar to someone, to Ellie this was a shot of light in the darkness and doubt she was trying hard to stave off. </p><p>“Now I can’t take all the credit. This was one of Joel’s pieces before he… well before, ya know.” Tommy started, unable to finish. “All I did was string it up to accommodate yer hand, then paint n’ glossed it.”</p><p>“It looks great Tommy.” interjected Maria. Ellie forgot for a moment that Maria was still sitting at the table. She looked over at her, and saw the woman smiling at him. It was the first time that Ellie saw her smile at the man since she’d seen them interact after her return.</p><p>Ellie turned her attention back to Tommy who was still looking at her smiling. He opened up his arms to go in for a hug, which she gratefully returned. </p><p>“I just wanted to thank you, Ellie. Show my appreciation is all. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowin’ that girl was still out there getting’ to live free n’ happy.”</p><p>Ellie froze. There it was. Any hope that Ellie experienced in that small moment was sucked away. <em>I can’t keep it from him any longer, </em>she thought as she pulled out of his grasp.</p><p>“Tommy… there’s something you need to know.” She muttered. She turned around and walked back to the table, placing the guitar on top of it. She glanced at Maria, who had had a look of concern plastered on her face. There was a part of Ellie that thought maybe Maria just knew the secret she had been keeping since her return, but knew that was impossible. Regardless, having her there provided a comfort that Ellie desperately needed at the moment. She turned around and leaned up against the table, crossing her arms, eyes fixed firmly on the ground.</p><p>“What is it, Ellie?” Tommy asked, shifting his weight slightly, uncomfortable with the amount of time he’d been standing.</p><p>“I… uh… I…” Ellie started, playing with her hands. “I didn’t do it.” Ellie kept her head down, staring intently at the floor for a few seconds. When she didn’t hear anything, she picked her head up and looked at Tommy.</p><p>He had the look of utter confusion on his face. “Didn’t do what?” He asked. All mirth that had previously laced his voice had vanished.</p><p>“I didn’t kill her.”</p><p>“What? Like ya couldn’t find her? She wasn’t there?” Tommy asked, taking a step forward. When he did so, Ellie heard Maria’s chair scrape against the floor as she stood up. She looked over at her and gave her a reassuring look, which kept Maria from taking a step forward as well.</p><p>“No… I mean…” Ellie stuttered.</p><p>“What, Ellie?!” Tommy exclaimed, his voice raising.</p><p>“I had her, she was right there in my hands, I almost killed her…but I couldn’t do it… I let her go.” She blurted out all at once.</p><p>“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me!” he shouted, not bothering to control his voice. “You let that bitch who murdered my brother, who crippled me, just… just get away with it!? I can’t fuckin’ believe this! You’re a real fuckin’ piece of work.”</p><p>“Tommy! Enough!” shouted Maria, coming up to stand next to Ellie.</p><p>“Oh of course ya’d take this traitor’s side!” Tommy exclaimed, pointing a finger at her before focusing his attention back to Ellie. “Look at ya, don’t have nothin’ to say. Just like I said before you left, nothin’ but a fuckin’ joke.”</p><p>“Out! Now!” bellowed Maria, taking a step toward Tommy.</p><p>Tommy took a step back, hand now resting on the door knob as he made his way out of the house. “Yer a fuckin’ disgrace. I don’t ever wanna see you again!”</p><p>With that, he turned out the door, slamming it shut behind him.</p><p>The silence that filled the room afterward was deafening. Ellie stood frozen, staring at the ground, still in the same position she had been in when she told Tommy about Abby. Maria had gone over to the door and locked it behind Tommy after he left, then leaned up against it. Ellie assumed she was waiting for her to say something, but Ellie had nothing to say that Tommy didn’t already. <em>Tommy is right, about everything. I am a fucking joke. </em></p><p>After a few minutes had gone by, Maria let out a sigh and walked over to Ellie.</p><p>“Hey, why don’t you go on upstairs? I’ll do the dishes and clean up down here, okay?”</p><p>Ellie nodded in response, finally moving away from the dining table and made her way up the stairs and to her room. She played the scene in her head over and over until she drifted off into a restless sleep.</p><p>The next morning, she woke up to sounds of Maria making noise in the kitchen. She fell asleep in the clothes she was wearing the night previous, not bothering with getting undressed, so she was able to get out of bed and head straight downstairs.</p><p>Maria was usually out of the house by the time Ellie even woke up, so she was surprised that she was still here. By the time she got to the dining area, there were already two plates of eggs each with a piece of ham, placed atop the table. As she moved to sit down, Maria walked out of the kitchen with two mugs in her hand. The sweet aroma hit Ellie in the face as Maria placed one of the mugs filled with the dark brown liquid in front of her. Maria didn’t know that Ellie never drank the stuff, but the young woman couldn’t blame her for thinking that she did, with the way Joel was always on the hunt for it. Ellie stared at the coffee in her possession, noticing the color had been lightened a bit with milk. Instead of letting Maria know that she hated the taste, she carefully brought the still hot liquid to her lips and took a sip. It was the first time that the bitterness didn’t make Ellie cringe, as it warmed her up from the inside out. It still wasn’t pleasant, but Ellie decided in that moment that she was going to finish the cup. She took another sip, before placing the mug down and started picking at the food on her plate.</p><p>Maria was quiet for a moment before breaking the silence.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” she asked before taking her first sip of her coffee.</p><p>“I’m fine.” the younger girl replied softly.</p><p>“Do you… want to talk about last night?”</p><p>Ellie stopped playing with her food, putting the hand that was using her fork back into her lap. <em>She blames me too, I know it, </em>Ellie thought remaining silent.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Maria interrupted Ellie’s thoughts.</p><p>Ellie lifted her eyes up to meet Maria’s. “You didn’t deserve any of that Ellie. Tommy’s just, he’s in a bad place right now. I’m not sure if he’ll ever come out of it, but he had no right to say any of that to you.”</p><p>“Maria, stop… stop trying to make me feel better. I know all of this was my fault. Him getting hurt, you two splitting up because of it…Dina… all of it.”</p><p>“Ellie, hey, look at me,” Maria insisted, reaching over and placing her hand on Ellie's arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You are not responsible for anybody’s choices, you hear me? It was Tommy’s choice to go out to Seattle. His choice to come back and wallow in self-pity. I tried to make things work, I really did, he just…he wasn’t having it. All he could talk about was that girl and what she did to him, what she did to Joel. He’s been consumed.”</p><p>“Just like I was.” snapped Ellie. “I left Dina and JJ. Abandoned them, and couldn’t even finish it!” she said, slamming a closed fist on the table, causing some of her and Maria’s coffee to spill over the side of the mugs. Tears were spilling from her eyes.</p><p>Maria remained silent for a while, letting Ellie cry, only speaking again once the tears dried up. “You’re back now Ellie, and for the first time in a while, I’m seeing the old you. I know that at the time you thought you had to go after that girl to get some sort of catharsis, but… honestly Ellie, I’m relieved to hear you didn’t go through with it.”</p><p>Ellie looked at Maria in disbelief. <em>How could she be relieved by that?</em></p><p>“Seriously Ellie,” reiterated Maria when she saw the look that Ellie gave her. “I think if you had gone through with it, you’d be completely lost. Killing Abby wouldn’t have brought any resolution to how you were feeling about Joel. Nothing but time can heal that, Ellie. It’ll always hurt, but you will find that it does so less and less as time goes on.” Maria paused to allow Ellie to say something, but continued when she saw the younger girl was listening intently. “You’ve taken responsibility for your actions, which is something Tommy has refused to do. You can’t blame yourself for how he is now. He has to make peace with that himself when and if he is ever ready. As for Dina… well I can’t speak much on that. She has the right to feel whatever she’s feeling now, but I’d bet that she would be just as relieved as me to hear that you didn’t kill that girl.”</p><p>“I don’t think it would matter.” Interrupted Ellie, finally saying something.</p><p>Maria sighed. “Just know that I’m proud of you. And I know that Joel would be proud of you.”</p><p>“I let the person who killed him go.” Scoffed Ellie, looking away from Maria. </p><p>“C’mon Ellie, do you really think that Joel would have wanted that from you?” Maria asked, exasperation creeping into her voice. “Ask yourself that question, honestly, now that all that rage you had been holding onto for so long is gone. Would he have wanted that?”</p><p>“No.” Ellie whispered, looking back at Maria, admitting that for the first time out loud.</p><p>Maria let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, and leaned back in her chair. “There are other ways to honor his memory.” Maria stated, nodding her head, motioning at something behind Ellie.</p><p>Ellie turned to look and saw the guitar that Tommy dropped off last night, leaning up against the wall behind her. <em>I don’t deserve that.</em></p><p>“You deserve to be happy, Ellie.” Maria said, as if she could read her thoughts. Ellie turned back around, staring at her now cold cup of coffee.</p><p>Maria didn’t say anything else, and instead quickly finished the food on her plate. She got up to put her dish in the sink and reheated her coffee in the microwave, transferring it into a thermos before walking back into the dining room.</p><p>“Ellie, I have to go, but I should be back tonight. I won’t have time to cook, so I’ll just pick something up from Seth today. Are you going to be okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be fine I think.” replied Ellie.</p><p>“Okay.” Maria said, before heading towards the front door.</p><p>“Maria?” Ellie said, causing the older woman to pause and turn her attention back to her. “Thank you… for that, and for everything really.” Ellie stammered, scratching the back of her head awkwardly.</p><p>“Of course.” Maria responded with a smile, before exiting the house.</p><p>Ellie finished the cold food that was on her plate, but did copy Maria’s actions from earlier and re-heated her coffee using the microwave in the kitchen. When she came back out, she walked over to the guitar, contemplating the instrument a moment before picking it up by the strap and placing it on her shoulder. She walked upstairs, careful not to spill her now hot again coffee, and walked into her room. She scribbled down quick sketches of the chords that Joel taught her when she was younger in her journal so she could have something to reference, all while finishing her coffee, finding that she was liking it more and more with each sip.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Stitches</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I want to start going back out on patrols.”</p><p> </p><p>“What? No way Ellie. I was thinking more along the lines of tending the crops or supervising over at the children’s’ daycare.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh, what? I’m not dealing with all those little shits…”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie!”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” asked the young girl, raising her arms in the air.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t call them that!” exclaimed Maria, giving her a disapproving look. “Besides, I figured with how well you were with…”</p><p> </p><p>“That was different.” Ellie interjected morosely.</p><p> </p><p>“Right… well… ah..” Maria stammered, “I just don’t think you going back out on patrol so soon is the right call.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I don’t know…can’t you just start me on group patrols or something?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know Ellie… are you sure you don’t want to start with something else?”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean I can’t really do anything else…” she muttered in response, scratching the back of her head.</p><p> </p><p>Maria looked at the young woman standing before her, before sighing in defeat. Ellie did have the experience that Maria knew would be wasted if she didn’t at least attempt to allow her to go back out. Against all better judgement, she gave in.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine, group patrols only though.”</p><p> </p><p>“For right now?”</p><p> </p><p>“For right now.” repeated Maria.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright...cool.”</p><p> </p><p>“You can start the day after tomorrow. I’ll have to uh... make some changes to the schedule. You can use tomorrow to go out and get you some boots and maybe a jacket or two. It’s starting to get cold out.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, okay.” responded Ellie. <em>I guess she’s gotta make sure me and Dina don’t end up in the same patrol,</em> she thought.</p><p> </p><p>“You done with that?” Maria asked, motioning to the plate in front of Ellie. It still had some scraps on it, but Ellie found herself to be full enough.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I am.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, good, because it’s your turn to do the dishes.” Maria said smugly, standing up from the table, making her way to the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow, okay. Nice one.” Ellie muttered, standing and picking up the two plates and glasses, taking them over to the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>She made quick work of them before retiring to her room for the night. The last few days had been a whirlpool of emotion for Ellie. It was just a few days since Tommy’s outburst, but Ellie felt like she was thinking a little more clearly than she had in a long while. Still not completely devoid of her guilt, she did want to try to start moving past Seattle. Past Abby. And more than anything she wanted to try to make amends with Dina.</p><p> </p><p>She couldn’t get the brown eyed girl out of her head since, well since ever, if she really thought about it. But right now she wanted nothing more in the world than to see her again. To hold JJ in her arms once more. Ellie knew in order to do so, she’d have to start putting herself out there. While Ellie wasn’t exactly lying when she said all she could really do to help provide for the town was patrol, she couldn’t deny the selfish motivation for wanting to be placed back on these assignments. She didn’t want to pressure Dina into talking to her, but maybe if they were around each other a little more, it would at least present the option for Dina to do so if she wanted.</p><p> </p><p>Since it was still early, Ellie picked up the guitar that was leaning in the corner of her room and practiced a few chords, wincing every time the instrument produced the wrong sound. She would have to build up the calluses all over again, and having two less fingers in her strumming hand made it harder to finger pick, but it was the only way that Joel taught her. Before she realized, a couple hours passed, and she felt herself getting sleepy. Putting down the guitar finally, she got ready for bed, and drifted off.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning, when Ellie woke, she found herself alone in the house, which was not anything out of the ordinary. She showered, and got dressed, throwing on an old hoodie Maria had picked up for her last week, and walked out the front door. She walked at a decent pace, no longer feeling any of the effects from her journey to Santa Barbara, even the wound in her side was completely healed.</p><p> </p><p>Two days ago, Ellie had taken kitchen shears and cut the stitches out of her side herself. She did this when Maria was out of the house of course, knowing that the older woman would have never been okay with her doing that herself. So, with a steady hand and extreme concentration, she used the very tip of the shears to snip each suture in half. Then, with a pair of needle nose pliers, Ellie plucked each one from the healed wound, very pleased with herself at the result. Dr. Hobbs was right. She had way too much experience with this, and Ellie knew it would be a waste of a trip to have them taken out by someone else. She was sure that Maria would find out eventually about her little at home procedure, but she decided she’d just cross that bridge when the time came.</p><p> </p><p>She finally reached the community center. This is where any extra supplies, like clothing, appliances, tools, and other non-essentials were brought to help the people with individual needs. Sometimes these were brought in by groups of patrols that would venture out of Jackson for a few days, scavenging for anything useful. Other times, people would bring old stuff that they no longer had any use for, or clothes that their kids would grow out of.</p><p> </p><p>With Ellie going out on patrol, she would need some sturdier shoes, and maybe an extra jacket. She still had Joel’s with her, having worn it part of the way to Santa Barbara, but with fall right around the corner, she knew she’d need at least another one or two in her wardrobe. She walked in, a couple people browsing through the tables of folded shirts lifted their heads to see who had come in, but paid no mind and went back to their business. Ellie walked over the coats and started looking through them. She finally found one that fit. It was a blue denim jacket, and as far as Ellie could tell, did not have significant damage, so she took it off the hanger and draped it over her arm.</p><p> </p><p>She started to walk towards the back of the room where they kept the shoes when a shirt folded on top of one of the tables caught her eye. It was a blue and white quarter sleeve shirt. <em>That almost looks like...mine, </em>she thought as she made her way closer. When she reached the table, she placed her hand on the shirt, flipping the collar portion inside out to examine it, exposing black thread, poorly stitched, connecting the color to fabric on the inside of the shirt.</p><p> </p><p><em>It is mine </em>thought Ellie, replaying the memory in her head as if it just happened yesterday.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Aw fuck.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“What’s wrong El? Asked Dina who was putting dishes into the cupboards of the kitchen. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“My shirt tore on this stupid box when I moved to set it down.” said Ellie, pulling her collar out to a distance where she could see the damage done. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well don’t pull on it babe,” stated Dina rolling her eyes. “You’re only going to make it worse.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m trying to see how bad it is...this is like, my favorite shirt.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Dina placed her hands on her hips. “Well maybe if you let me carry some of these in, this wouldn’t have happened”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie only pouted at her in response. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh alright, c’mon you big baby, take off the shirt, go put on the new one. I’ll sew that one up later.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie cocked an eyebrow at her girlfriend. “You know how to sew?” she asked teasingly. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well I’ve stitched you up haven’t I?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Ellie made a face and shrugged her shoulders. “Fair point.” and went upstairs to change shirts. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Later that night, when Ellie walked into their bedroom, Dina was deep in concentration, Ellie’s shirt in one hand and a needle and thread in the other. She watched the woman she loved with a smile on her face for a few moments before sliding into bed with her, careful not to make too much movement. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>After a few more moments, Dina finally let out a breath. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“There, good as new.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Let me see.” said Ellie, taking the shirt from Dina’s hands. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She flipped the collar inside out, before busting out laughing. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh my god, babe. How can you be good at giving stitches to someone, but suck at sewing?” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t be an ass.” deadpanned Dina, playfully punching Ellie’s arm. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Ow! I was only playing, jeez.” remarked Ellie, rubbing her arm as if it actually hurt. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“No you weren’t.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes I was. It’s perfect, really.” replied Ellie, placing a kiss on top of Dina’s exposed shoulder. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Dina smiled at her, before dipping her head slightly to capture Ellie’s lips with hers. It wasn’t long after that, the repaired shirt was thrown haphazardly on the floor along with several other articles of clothing. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie was ripped from her memory by the sound of the sweetest voice she knew coming from behind her.</p><p> </p><p>She turned around, green eyes meeting brown.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… what?” Ellie asked.</p><p> </p><p>Dina’s gaze fell to the shirt in Ellie’s hand. Ellie looked at it again when realization hit her. <em>She must have dropped off all my clothes here when she got back to town.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>“No, it’s… it’s okay. I mean like you said… you thought I wouldn’t be coming back. Makes sense to let someone else get some use out of it.” Ellie stammered awkwardly.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Dina stated plainly, still standing, looking at Ellie almost as if she expected her to continue.</p><p> </p><p>“So... uh… How have you and JJ been, since we last uh… met?” Ellie asked awkwardly, shifting slightly from side to side. She was unsure which topics of conversation were off limits, and hoped that Dina wouldn’t find it too intrusive.</p><p> </p><p>“He's actually why I’m here.” Dina responded, crossing her arms in front of her. Ellie noticed the small bundle of toddlers' clothes draped on Dina’s arm.</p><p> </p><p>“The little spud has grown out of his clothes huh?” Ellie asked, unable to contain a smile at the thought of their son. <em>Am I even allowed to still consider him my son? </em>The smile disappeared as soon as the thought flashed through her mind. Lost in her thought for a moment, she missed the look of sadness that flickered through Dina’s otherwise emotionless face at the sound of her using JJ’s nickname she bestowed on him.</p><p> </p><p>After a beat, Dina responded. “Yeah, he is. That and it looks like it’ll be getting cold out a little sooner than usual, so…you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, actually that’s why I’m here.” She said holding out the jacket for Dina to see. “Maria agreed to let me start in group patrols tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Great.” Dina said, raising her eyebrows slightly.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie didn’t miss the hint of sarcasm in her voice. “She’s… she said she needed the day to rearrange the schedules… so uh… I’m assuming she’s making sure we don’t end up in the same group.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, we’re both adults. I’m assuming we can handle being in the same group for patrols, unless you have an issue with it?” Dina asked.</p><p> </p><p>“No!” Ellie answered a little too excitedly, causing Dina’s eyes to widen slightly in surprise. “I… I mean of course not. No… no problems here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, good. So if it happens, so be it.” She added, shrugging.  “Besides, they’ve been asking me to start back on paired patrols, so it may not be anything Maria has to worry about soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… okay.” responded Ellie, unable to hide the disappointment from her voice.</p><p> </p><p>Dina sighed and opened her mouth to say something, but when Ellie met her gaze with hopeful eyes, she decided against it, looking away abruptly.</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, I... I have to go. Robin’s watching JJ.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah of course, I’ll uh see you tomorrow maybe.” Ellie said, walking backwards slowly, not wanting to press her luck any further. She gave a quick smile to Dina as a form of goodbye, and turned around to head towards where the shoes were.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait,” she heard Dina say.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie turned back around, focusing her attention once again on the woman in front her.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not gonna take the shirt?” Dina asked.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie glanced back at the shirt she left unfolded on the table to her right, before looking back at Dina.</p><p> </p><p>“It was your favorite shirt, wasn’t it?” Dina asked, a small grin forming on her face.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Ellie snorted, “I suppose it was.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then you should take it.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie found herself obeying without question, unsure what this interaction between them meant, if it did anything at all. She walked back over the shirt, picked it up, and threw it over her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, bye Ellie.” Dina said with a small wave.</p><p> </p><p>“Bye,” responded Ellie, too late for Dina to hear as she made her way out the center.</p><p> </p><p><em>What the hell was that?</em> Thought Ellie as she stood there dumbstruck.</p><p> </p><p>Finally out of her stupor, she made her way to where the shoes were stocked and grabbed the first pair of boots that she could find in her size.</p><p> </p><p>She walked out of the building feeling lighter than she had in days. Ellie wasn’t exactly sure if the conversation she held with Dina was good or bad, but she ultimately decided that any amount of words exchanged between the two was a good sign.</p><p> </p><p>She made a beeline straight back home, not bothering stopping for anything else. Once there she scribbled a quick entry in her journal about today’s interaction with Dina. Right under it she sketched a picture of JJ in the clothes that she saw Dina holding in her arms, smiling at the finished product.</p><p> </p><p>She spent the rest of the day, practicing her transitions between chords on the guitar, only stopping once she heard Maria come home for the day.</p><p> </p><p>That night, after dinner, she decided to go to bed early to be ready for her early morning patrol. She fell asleep with a slight smile that night, in high hopes that the coming days would only get better.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Kids Are Alright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Much to Ellie’s disappointment, it was her third and final day of group patrol before the end of her rotation, and she had minimal interaction with Dina. Group patrols worked three days back to back, and then had two days off for rest. Much like Ellie had expected, Maria made sure to keep her and Dina in separate groups, so they only had brief encounters before and after their patrols, bumping into each other at the stalls, or when picking up their assigned weapons. No words were exchanged as of yet between the two, only stolen glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking. Ellie didn’t know what to make of it, but stayed to herself nonetheless, determined to stick to her guns about allowing Dina to make those choices about how, when, and if they were to interact.</p><p> </p><p>She was placed in a group with one other girl, and two guys. One of the guys she already knew as Hector, since she saw him walking Dina home that day. When Maria announced the new group assignments had changed due to Ellie joining the crew, she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from smirking when the poor guys’ face fell to find out that he had been separated from Dina’s group.</p><p> </p><p>The other young man’s name was Caleb, the young lady named Amanda. Ellie was older than all of them by a couple years, and faces were familiar to her as they had grown up in Jackson. Hector on the other hand was fairly new to the town, having arrived sometime when Ellie was living on the outskirts of town with Dina. He had come from a much smaller community further north in Wyoming, that she had heard had been run through by a particularly large horde of infected. The survivors made it to Jackson, giving the town a heads up. While the horde would not have done significant damage to the much more developed community, the early warning allowed the patrol group to set up traps in advance, for which Maria was very grateful for and with some weariness, allowed the small group of survivors to integrate into their society.</p><p> </p><p>If she had to guess, she still probably had more real world experience than the other three combined. Not that she figured it would matter, group patrols didn’t go as far out as paired patrols, so the likelihood of coming across anything too dangerous was fairly slim.</p><p> </p><p>The first two days, the other three kept to themselves, keeping Ellie at a distance, almost as if they were afraid of her and honestly, Ellie didn’t mind it. The first morning, as they were preparing to head out, Amanda had noticed the missing fingers on Ellie’s left hand as Ellie was reaching for the reigns of the horse she was to be riding on for the day, letting out a gasp of surprise that she pretended not to hear. When Amanda walked out of the stables, she went straight to the other guys in her group and started a hushed conversation. Ellie was sure they were discussing what the younger girl just saw. If they didn’t want to interact with her, she would be just fine with this unspoken agreement.</p><p> </p><p>Now it was her third and final day before some time off, and with the way the last two days had gone, Ellie was looking forward to it. Her group started off in silence like the previous two days, hitting the first two outposts in good time, filling out the logs books before moving on. About 10 minutes between the second and third outposts, Caleb announced that he was hungry. The other three agreed and decided to go ahead and stop alongside the brush for a quick lunch.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie sat off to the side from the other three, like usual, unwrapping the sandwich she had made for herself that morning. She took a first bite when she heard Amanda ask a question. Ellie continued taking another bite when she heard her name called. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie?” Amanda asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” Ellie mumbled, her mouth full of food.</p><p> </p><p>“I asked how many times you had been outside of Jackson.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie stared at her, confused for a second, still not understanding she was talking to her since this was the first time any of the other three directed a question at her that didn’t have to do with their patrol. The three sets of eyes on her, however, confirmed that the question was in fact directed at her.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, swallowing the bite of sandwich she had in her mouth. “Oh uh, I don’t know, more than a few times I guess. I never really counted.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you’re not from Jackson, or even around here… right?” asked Caleb</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm, no… I’m from a Boston QZ.”</p><p> </p><p>“QZ?” asked Hector.</p><p> </p><p>“Quarantine Zone.” answered Amanda, before looking back at Ellie expectedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, right.” Ellie agreed.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, that’s crazy.” stated Caleb. “I’ve bet you’ve seen some crazy shit.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out a snort. “You have no idea.” she mumbled before taking another bite of her sandwich, thinking that would be the end of that conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“Can you tell us any stories?” Amanda pressed.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked back at her, unsure about this new predicament she was put in. Surely they knew some of her story. They had to have. Jackson was too small of a town for them not to.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, I’m not gonna talk about things I’m sure you all have already made assumptions about.” annoyance dripping in her voice.</p><p> </p><p>“No, wait,” responded Amanda. “You don’t have to talk to us about that… we just, we’ve never been outside Jackson. At least not when we were old enough to remember.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” added Caleb. “And we’ve heard some insane stories of different kinds of infected and crazy militia groups… I just think it's interesting.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie scoffed. “I wouldn’t use the word interesting.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well no, I didn’t mean it like that.” Caleb said, looking away embarrassed.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie studied the other three for a moment, before letting out a sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Whaddya wanna know?”</p><p> </p><p>The three started asking questions all at the same time, causing Ellie’s eyes to widen. She did her best to answer the questions she could. Some of the rumors of what lay beyond Jackson were too outlandish, while others hit the nail directly on the head. The more questions they asked, the more Ellie answered, making sure not to tell anything too personal. It wasn’t long before Hector had pointed out that they had stayed at this place for too long, and they would now be behind in finishing out their assignments for the day.</p><p> </p><p>They packed up quickly and booked it to the third outpost. Even with upping their travel speed, they were still behind schedule when they made it to the fourth and final outpost. Ellie knew she’d have to hear it from Maria when they got back, doing her best to not sacrifice the integrity of the patrol, all while trying to rush.</p><p> </p><p>The sun was setting just as they approached the gates of Jackson. <em>Too late by Maria’s standards</em>, thought Ellie as the front doors of the gates began opening up. Maria liked all her patrols back with at least an hour before sunset. As the gates opened, Ellie was shocked by what she saw. Maria was there of course, her arms crossed. Ellie was too far away to read her facial expression, but she was sure it wasn’t a good one, but that was not what surprised her. Standing next to Maria was Dina, mimicking the older woman's stance. As she approached the gates, the only thing that she could tell was different was the look on Dina’s face, it showed a look of worry, compared to Maria’s, which at the moment, showed annoyance.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened Ellie?” asked Maria, raising an eyebrow at the girl who was still on top of the horse.</p><p> </p><p>“It was our fault Maria.” Caleb butted in, not allowing Ellie to answer.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Hector. “We got caught up in all the stories that Ellie had about different kinds of infected she’s encountered.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, like who knew bloaters were even real?” Amanda asked the question, directed at Maria.</p><p> </p><p>Maria put her head in her hands, squeezing her forehead between her index finger and thumb, as if she was trying to ward off an oncoming headache, exhaling through her nose.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie gave an apologetic grin and shrugged her shoulders when Maria looked back up at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t let it happen again, or I’m pulling all of you guys from patrol, do you hear me?” Maria asked sternly, looking at the three younger people behind Ellie.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes ma’am.” they all said in unison, before hastily kicking their horses forward before Maria could add anything else.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie hopped off her horse, keeping hold of the reigns. “I’m sorry Maria, it won’t happen again.”</p><p> </p><p>“You had me worried sick, Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I’m so sorry, but really we did just lose track of time. I promise, it won’t happen again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, go on now, put your horse up. Jim left the stables already, so make sure all four of those horses are housed and fed.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie clicked her tongue a little too loud.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, what was that?” asked Maria.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, nothing.” Ellie asked, with her hand up in the air.</p><p> </p><p>“Mhmm.” she hummed as she walked off.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked over at Dina who had been standing silently next to Maria for the entire exchange.</p><p> </p><p>Dina caught her gaze. “Do you want some help with the horses?” she asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah sure. That’d be great.” responded Ellie.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie tugged slightly on the reigns as they started their way to the stables in silence. Ellie glanced over at Dina and noticed that the girl seemed to be deep in thought. She slowed her pace down before coming to a stop just outside the stables.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you… Why were you waiting?” Ellie asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. </p><p> </p><p>Dina didn’t meet her gaze. “I was worried about the patrol. They’re just kids.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out a snort. “They’re only like… two years younger than us.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, that qualifies them as kids.” Dina said with conviction, rolling her eyes before resuming walking towards the stables.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie quietly let out a chuckle as she followed Dina inside.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh hey Dina!” she heard Hector say as she led the horse to her stall.</p><p> </p><p>She groaned internally.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you still doin’ out here?” he asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I uh.. Had told Maria I'd help with the horses when you guys got back since Jim’s shift already ended.” responded Dina, giving a different answer than the one she had just given Ellie.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh cool, well we just finished up here and were talking about going for drinks over at the Tibby if you wanted to come?”</p><p> </p><p>“The Tibby?” asked Dina, looking at Ellie in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“The Tipsy Bison.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s what all the kids are calling it these days.” quipped Ellie beside her, unable to keep from teasing her about her comment made a second ago.</p><p> </p><p>Dina shot her a look of annoyance, before turning her attention back to Hector.</p><p> </p><p>“I really have to get home, but thanks for the invite.” Dina declined politely.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh okay… uhm Ellie, you in?”</p><p> </p><p>“No thanks guys, I’m pretty beat.” Ellie said.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, see y’all in a couple days.” said Caleb, waving as the three made their way out of the stables, leaving the two by themselves.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm, I guess since they’ve already taken care of the other horses, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want…”</p><p> </p><p>“I said I would help.” interrupted Dina. “C’mon let me see her.” she said holding her hand out for Ellie to hand her the reigns.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie obeyed, walking in front of Dina so she could open the door to the designated stall. Dina led the animal in, with Ellie following, shutting the half door behind her. Dina went and grabbed a brush, starting brushing out any mud that was stuck to animals’ hind quarters, as well as brushing out any tangles that had formed in the mane and tail of the horse. Ellie made quick work of removing the saddle and reigns, hanging each up in its designated spot. Ellie went and grabbed a rag, wiping off any mud and grime that may have gotten on it from today’s patrol.</p><p> </p><p>They worked for a while in a comfortable silence, Ellie content with the fact that Dina was near her at all. Finally the silence was broken when Dina whispered something just loud enough for Ellie to hear.</p><p> </p><p>“I was worried about you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie inhaled sharply, heart pounding hard, stopping her movements, but not turning away from the saddle.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m… I’m fine.” was all she could manage to say.</p><p> </p><p>The sound of crying in response is what made her rip her attention away from task to see Dina holding her head in her right hand, letting tears fall freely.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… shit Dina, I’m sorry…” started Ellie, rushing over to the other girl, but stopped herself just before reaching her, unsure where their physical boundaries were.</p><p> </p><p>“I just… I just still can’t believe that you’re here.” breathed Dina.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie remained quiet, unsure if she should say anything. She was also unsure what to do with her hands, wanting nothing more than to reach out and grab her and hold her tight. After a moment, the tears stopped, and Dina lifted her head up to look at Ellie.</p><p> </p><p>“I just can’t do this anymore Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… right…” stammered Ellie, taking a couple steps back from the other girl. “You can go ahead, I can finish up here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie…”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s totally fine. You don’t have to explain anything. I get it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie!” Dina said a little firmer, causing the green-eyed girl to finally look back at the other girl.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not what I meant,” Dina started, before sighing exasperatedly. “You just don’t understand.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then help me understand...please.” replied Ellie.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s the thing though, Ellie. I don’t even know if I do.” admitted Dina, standing there with a look of defeat on her face.</p><p> </p><p><em>This is the exact way she looked at me when she was begging me to stay that night.</em> Ellie thought, looking away, unable to stomach the feeling of guilt that shot through her like a tidal wave.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Dina. I know that... it’ll never be enough to make up for what I did, but if you think it’s best… maybe I should just back off? I can ask Maria to change my assignments, I can just… stay out of your way.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that what you want?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Ellie responded, eyes shooting back up to examine the girl in front of her.</p><p> </p><p>Dina studied Elle for a moment. The girl had put on a little weight since she’d been back, but was still much thinner than she had been before she left. Her eyes shot down to where Ellie’s damaged hand was hanging by her side. That’s when she noticed for the first time that Ellie was wearing her bracelet. She couldn’t remember if Ellie was wearing it that day they met on her porch, the shock of seeing Ellie’s hand clouded her memory. Dina’s heart ached when she saw it just then, but before she knew it, the wrist it was on was shoved deep into the pocket of Ellie’s jean jacket. Dina looked back at Ellie’s face, where it was looking away again, shame written all over her, not understanding that Dina was looking at the bracelet and not her hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you doing anything tomorrow?” Dina asked, before better judgment stopped her from it.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Ellie replied, shaking her head simultaneously.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think we could meet up somewhere?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah...yes that sounds good.” Ellie replied eagerly.</p><p> </p><p>“Say tomorrow, around noon, at the Tibby?” asked Dina.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the use of the new nickname for the town's only bar/diner.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I heard that’s where all the cool kids go.” she joked.</p><p> </p><p>Dina gifted Ellie with a laugh as she walked backwards out of the stall, not wanting to stay long enough to overthink her decision and take back the invitation. “Goodnight Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Buzzed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the long wait. I promise this story hasn't fallen off. The next few chapters are written, so it will be weekly updates.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie was sitting at the booth for almost an hour and half. The first hour was her fault since she got to the planned meeting place around 11am. She hardly got any sleep after she got home from the stables, full of excitement about her interaction with Dina, she had been on cloud nine. She was up so late, practicing the guitar, that eventually Maria even cursed her name from across the hall. She tried to go to sleep then, but only slept for maybe three or four hours before the light started coming in through her window. She hadn’t lost any of her giddiness, showering and getting ready, sitting on the edge of her bed watching as the minutes ticked by. It was when 10:30am struck the clock that she decided she was going to head to the Tipsy Bison and wait. She didn’t want to be stuck in the house anymore. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie checked the clock above the bar. 12:35pm. <em>Did she change her mind?</em> All of the excitement that Ellie felt yesterday was slowly draining from her with every minute that went past noon. She heard the door to the place open, and turned her head back to look, and for the umpteenth time so far, it was just another Jackson patron. She sighed before turning back around looking at the table in front of her, not noticing the man who was walking up towards her booth. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you gonna order somethin’ now?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked up into Seth’s weathered face. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh yeah, I guess. Whiskey, neat.”</p><p> </p><p>“Whiskey?” he asked, raising a judgmental eyebrow. “Ain’t it a little early in the day for that?”</p><p> </p><p>“C’mon man. I just worked my three shifts, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>Seth grunted in response and walked off. He returned a few moments later with clean glass, filled about a fourth of the way with the liquor. </p><p> </p><p>She took the first sip, enjoying the way the alcohol burned on the way down. After a few seconds she went to take a second sip.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, having that kinda day already, huh Williams?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie whipped her head around and saw Dina walking towards her, removing the jacket she had on over her long sleeve shirt, her eyes following her as she sat down on the bench across from her at the booth. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry I’m late. JJ was being fussy all morning.”</p><p> </p><p>“No… it’s not a big deal. I thought you decided not to show.”</p><p> </p><p>“Truthfully, I almost didn’t. I still am so confused with how to feel about this.” </p><p> </p><p>Ellie just looked down at the table. If she wanted to make any kind of progress with Dina, she knew she’d have to deal with the hard to hear things. </p><p> </p><p>“But hey, I’m here now, right?” Dina asked, trying to lighten the mood. “Seth!” she shouted obnoxiously loud from the booth. “Can I get what Ellie’s having?”</p><p> </p><p>He grumbled something incoherently and dipped below the bar. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out a snort. “You know that just pissed him off right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you think I did it?” </p><p> </p><p>“You’re an ass…” Ellie couldn’t help but throw the insult at the girl.</p><p> </p><p>“Takes one to know one.” </p><p> </p><p>Their back and forth was interrupted when Seth came by and placed the glass of whiskey a little harder than what was necessary in front of Dina. The whiskey sloshed around, not quite spilling over the sides of the glass. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh, thanks.” said Dina, unenthusiastically. </p><p> </p><p>“Hpmh.” Seth grunted as we walked off towards the bar again. </p><p> </p><p>Silence filled the air between the two again. Dina picked up the glass and took a sip, looking around the bar as if it were new to her. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie was finding it hard to sit still, twirling the brown liquid in the glass in front of her repeatedly until it looked like it was about to spill before slowing down the movement. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. </p><p> </p><p>“So, Dina, you wanted to talk right?”</p><p> </p><p>Dina just nodded her head, biting her lip in thought, looking at anything but the girl in front of her.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie gave a moment for the girl to speak, but when the silence continued, she took the lead.</p><p> </p><p>“Look… about what happened out in California...”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop.” Dina interrupted firmly. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie’s eyebrows raised in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to hear about what you did once you got out there. You clearly got hurt…” Dina said, motioning to Ellie’s hand that was strategically placed under the table. “And god knows what other wounds have… but I just don’t have the interest in hearing any of it, understood?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie nodded her head in response. </p><p> </p><p>“I asked you to meet with me because after really giving it some thought, I think it would be best if you were back in JJ’s life…That is, if you want to?” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, of course I do.” </p><p> </p><p>“Good, because he misses you so much… and I want to try to be friends again Ellie, for his sake.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” Ellie repeated again, at a loss for words. </p><p> </p><p>“But in order for that to happen, I can’t know what happened out there, because the only thing I know for sure, is the day you left is the day I lost the girl I had fallen in love with. The day you left is the only time you ever really hurt me, and I don’t think I can ever find myself to not only forgive you, but to be able to trust you again.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie felt the tears in her eyes start to spill over, but she wiped them away quickly. Last thing she wanted was to cause a scene in public. </p><p> </p><p>When Dina saw Ellie dip her head quickly to wipe her tears, she felt her own start to well up, but she forced them back. She had been practicing what she was going to say to Ellie all night long and into the morning. She was determined to get through this firmly and clearly so that Ellie knew how serious she was. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for being so...straightforward with you, but I just don’t want you to think that there could ever be something between us again. I don’t want to give you false hope. And to be perfectly honest… I can’t give myself false hope… I don’t think I’d ever be able to handle going through that again.”</p><p> </p><p>The last sentence was spoken at almost a whisper, almost as if Dina was talking to herself instead of Ellie. </p><p> </p><p>“I understand. I want to try to be better, Dina. I want to be there for JJ and for you, in whatever way you want me to. I know that leaving was a mistake, and if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have done that, but I want you to know that I take responsibility for my actions, and I want nothing more than to put all that behind me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay...good.” Dina replied, nodding her head once, and leaning back into the booth before studying Ellie for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you wanna come over right now? See JJ?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie’s face lit up the moment the question was asked. “Yes, absolutely.” </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, let’s finish up.”</p><p> </p><p>Without thinking Ellie picked up her glass, and downed the alcohol in one gulp, the burn from it slightly uncomfortable this time. </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus, Ellie!”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” </p><p> </p><p>“Are you an alcoholic now? Because if so maybe you shouldn’t be going to see JJ.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, what? No! I’m sorry.. I’m just excit…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m kidding El…” interrupted Dina, smirking as she brought her glass up to her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Soo, like I said earlier…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m an ass?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… pretty much.”</p><p> </p><p>Dina just shook her head then followed Ellie’s suit and threw back the rest of what was in her glass and moved to stand up. </p><p> </p><p>They started their walk to Dina’s place in silence, both women deep in their own thoughts. Right as they reached the front steps to the house, Ellie’s anxiousness about seeing JJ got the best of her.</p><p> </p><p>“Do… do you really think he misses me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” </p><p> </p><p>“JJ. Earlier you said that he misses me, but do you really think he does?”</p><p> </p><p>“He does Ellie.” replied Dina, pausing at the top of the stairs when she noticed Ellie’s movements falter. She turned to look down at her as Ellie went to take the first step up. </p><p> </p><p>“Actually, before we go in, I need to be very clear about one more thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh...okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“I need you to know that if the time comes that you do leave again… you will not be given this chance again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dina… I’m not leaving aga…”</p><p> </p><p>“Just tell me you understand, Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>She studied the dark haired girl for a moment. The steeliness of her gaze almost frightened her. </p><p> </p><p>“I understand.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay...c’mon.” Dina motioned for Ellie to follow her into the house. </p><p> </p><p>“Robin?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Dina.” Robin replied from the living area. “You’re back soon, did… oh hey Ellie! How’re you doing? You look much better than the last time we saw you!” Robin commented as she rounded the corner. </p><p> </p><p>She opened her arms for a hug which Ellie allowed.</p><p> </p><p>“So Dina tells me you’re on patrols now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh uh...” Ellie shot Dina a quick look, surprised that she talked about her with Robin at all. Dina had walked off just as the question was asked, leaving Ellie unable to read her expression. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” she continued, “Maria is allowing me to do group patrols. Went out on my first rotation these last three days.”</p><p> </p><p>“Being careful I hope?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” replied Ellie with a smile for the older woman. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey you little goober.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie’s attention immediately left Robin when she heard Dina talking to JJ. She looked over to where the girl was standing over a playpen, stooping over to pick up the toddler. She heard JJ make a happy gurgling sound as he was being lifted, and she could have sworn her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll leave you girls to it then.” said Robin as she turned to leave the room. “It’s good seeing you again Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>She turned to say goodbye to Robin, but must have had a look of anxiousness plastered on her face. </p><p> </p><p>The older woman let out a soft chuckle, lowering her voice so that only Ellie could hear clearly. “It’ll be okay… go on now.” Robin gave Ellie a gentle push towards the living area where Dina was now standing with JJ in her arms. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie could only nod as we made her way to the center of the room. As she approached, Dina began to reposition JJ so that he was facing Ellie. He was currently distracted with a toy in his hand, but as she got closer, his attention started to focus more on her. </p><p> </p><p>He looked at her for a moment, when he suddenly cried out excitedly, extending his arms toward her.</p><p> </p><p>Ellie let out the breath she didn’t know she had been holding, and started laughing and crying at the same time. She went to take him from Dina’s arms. Before she did, she paused a moment, looking at Dina for permission. The other girl only smiled at her and handed JJ over to Ellie. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey there little spud… or should I say big spud, hmm?” she asked, all the while JJ giggled as he touched her face and hair, with his unoccupied hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey what you got there, potato? Is that Ollie? That’s Ollie isn’t it? Can I see?”</p><p> </p><p>Dina took a step back, overwhelmed with the emotions she was experiencing watching Ellie interact with JJ. Dina could tell that Ellie has been walking on eggshells around her every time they would interact, but with JJ she seemed to be perfectly at ease, almost as if she never left. </p><p> </p><p>“C’mon, let’s go see what other toys you have huh?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie walked over to the small collection of toys that were in a box in the corner of the room and sat down in front of it, JJ in her lap. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey uh, I’m going to get something to drink real quick… do you want anything El?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah I’m okay. Thanks.” Ellie said with a smile that Dina was certain she couldn’t get rid of even if she tried. </p><p> </p><p>Dina walked through the doorway to the kitchen, walking over to the sink before letting the tears she had been holding back fall freely, careful to stay quiet to not attract attention to herself. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Dina jumped slightly at the voice that came from the other kitchen entrance, near the dining room. </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus, Robin, I thought you had gone upstairs.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, sorry. I just wanted to be here in case something like this happened. You don’t seem to be holding up too well darling. Do you want me to ask her to leave?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, it’s okay. She’s doing really good with him… I’m just… I’m just being dumb.” Dina said, shaking her head and wiping her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Honey, nothing about you is dumb. It must be hard, having her back in your life so suddenly.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I just don’t know what to feel. Seeing Ellie with JJ again… it only confuses me more. I just wish I didn’t feel this way anymore. I shouldn’t still feel this way, right? She left, we weren’t enough.”</p><p> </p><p>“No one has the right to tell you how to feel but yourself. There is no right or wrong way. Just make sure you don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to. Don’t allow her to pressure you into anything either.”</p><p> </p><p>Dina let out a snort. “Ellie would never…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh I know that, just make sure to take things slow if it starts to become overwhelming. If her coming over today was too much for you, let her know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… yeah, okay. Thanks Robin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Anytime.” replied the older woman with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>Dina wiped her eyes quickly, trying to rid all traces of her tears before exiting the kitchen and heading back to the living area. </p><p> </p><p>When she walked back in, Ellie was sitting on the floor, her hands held out while JJ sat across from her. The toddler made a grab for Ellie’s left hand where her fingers were missing and Dina panicked, worried he was going to hurt the girl. </p><p> </p><p>“Ooh ouch JJ, no, ouch.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, it’s okay! It doesn’t hurt... he actually… he’s fascinated by it.” Ellie let out a chuckle as JJ continued playing with her hand. He was pulling on each finger, and then when he got to where her ring and pinky finger should have been, he would squeeze as if he expected them to magically appear, then would laugh when Ellie wiggled her fingers, and start the whole process over again. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked up at Dina to show it was okay, but her smile faded when she saw Dina’s eyes glistening. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, is everything alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s just… it’s time for JJ’s nap.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah, okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie stood up, picking JJ up with her, bouncing him a few times in her arms causing him to giggle again. </p><p> </p><p>“You hear that potato, time for a nap, back to mommy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you wanna put him down?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sure.” Ellie said excitedly. </p><p> </p><p>They both walked upstairs, Dina leading Ellie to her room where JJ’s crib was. She stood back against the doorway, watching as the other girl laid JJ down in the crib, covering him with the small blanket inside. She hadn’t noticed at first, but Ellie had put Ollie in her pocket. She pulled it out and made it do a little dance in front of JJ, which made him laugh, before handing it to him. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie stood, from being stooped over the crib taking one last look at JJ before turning back to Dina. Dina motioned with her head for them to head back downstairs. Once they hit the first floor level, Ellie spoke up. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for that, Dina. Really.”</p><p> </p><p>“This was harder than I thought it was going to be Ellie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh... I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it's… it’s nothing you did. I just… can we take this slow?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah of course. This is your call, we go at your pace.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay… thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie made her way to the door, opening it once her hand reached the handle. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll see you around then?” </p><p> </p><p>“Sure,” Dina responded with a small smile. “I’ll let you know when it’s another good time for you to visit.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, sounds great.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bye El.”</p><p> </p><p>“See you later.” Ellie replied as she walked onto the porch, turning back to look at Dina. She gave a quick smile before closing the door. Ellie bounded down the steps, perfectly content with how things went. However, she was concerned that Dina appeared to have been crying and felt bad knowing that even though Dina said it wasn’t her, she was sure she had some part to play in those tears. When she told Dina that she would go at her pace, she meant it. She was just grateful to see JJ at all and she was determined to make sure Dina knew she was not taking this opportunity for granted. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’ll be there for you kiddo, no matter what. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Cold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie shuddered slightly at the cold air that nipped at her nose. She was waiting at the stables for Dina to come grab her horse. The other girl had recently been put on paired patrols again and her shifts started a little earlier than the group patrols did. Ellie wanted to catch her this morning to see if she should stop by Dina’s place after her shift to spend some time with JJ.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Things with Dina and JJ had been going very well in Ellie’s opinion. A little more than a month had passed since she had been allowed to visit him, and for the first two weeks, Dina told her to come over every other day or so. As time progressed, Dina seemed to be gradually feeling more comfortable with Ellie’s presence. Back when the visits were agreed upon, Dina made it very clear that Ellie and she could never be together again, but Ellie couldn’t help but notice their dynamic shift over during the time she spent over there. Their conversations came easier, and they even started teasing each other again. She couldn’t help but relate it to how they were the weeks leading up to when Dina kissed her that night at the dance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last two weeks, Ellie had been going over to Dina’s every day, with permission of course. Because of the excitement from last night’s incident, she forgot to get the ‘okay’ from Dina about going over. She smiled as she replayed last night over in her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span> “Hey look Dina….”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina looked up from the book she was reading, to find Ellie holding JJ up above her head, walking slowly around the living area.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh… what are you doing?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s the spud-nik…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>JJ laughed as if he understood the joke.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh wow… that’s bad.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey that was a good one! JJ thought it was funny.” Ellie brought him gently to the ground. “Spud-nik is making its descent back to Earth.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re such a dork… plus he was laughing because you tickled him.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hmm?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You were holding him up under his arms. He’s ticklish there.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie gasped, and looked back at JJ. “Lemme see JJ.” Ellie reached out and lightly prodded the area under his arms. A burst of giggles came from the little boy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh my god JJ, did you know you’re ticklish in the same spot your mommy is?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am not ticklish.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie turned her attention to Dina, raising an eyebrow. “What was that?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not.” Dina shrugged, turning her attention back to the book.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Watch this JJ, I’ll show you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie got up quickly and took the couple of steps it took to reach the couch.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina dropped the book quickly and put her arms up in defense.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ellie, don’t you dare.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What, you said you weren’t. It shouldn’t matter, right?” Ellie asked with a grin on her face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ellie, I’m serious, don’t…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina’s words were cut off when Ellie pounced, going right after Dina’s most ticklish spot, Dina laughed loudly as she maneuvered herself to the side, trying to escape from Ellie’s grasp. Ellie had placed her knee next to Dina’s hip, trapping her between herself and the cushions on the back of the couch, not allowing Dina to get much further than her now prone position.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alri…alright! Stop, I give. I give!” shouted Dina, placing her hands on Ellie’s waist, trying to push her off.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ha! I knew it!” Ellie exclaimed, full of mirth. She moved to get off the girl below her, when she felt her shirt being pulled on. She hadn’t noticed at first, but where Dina’s hands were on her waist, were now balled up in her shirt, and not letting go.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie looked down, confused for a second, but understood immediately when she saw Dina’s eyes flicker from her eyes, to her lips, then back up again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. Instead of trying to get up again, she found herself moving closer to Dina. The girl below her was doing nothing to stop her, so she went in for the kiss she had been craving since she stepped foot back in Jackson.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just as she was about to make contact, something pulled on her hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ah, wha…” Ellie looked to her left and saw JJ standing right next to them, using the hand that wasn’t entangled in her hair to hold himself steady.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh my god! JJ! You’re standing!” Dina exclaimed, sitting up. Ellie stood up, offering her hand for Dina to take to help her up from the couch. Instead, Dina wrapped her arms around JJ, picking him up as she stood.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“C’mon JJ, let’s see it again.” Dina placed JJ back down on the ground next to the couch, and cheered even louder the second time the toddler stood up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of the stable doors opening snapped Ellie out of her memory, immediately causing a feeling of butterflies in her stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While she did want to ask Dina about coming over tonight, she also wanted to ask Dina to the winter dance that was happening tomorrow night. She knew it was a big risk asking her, after Dina had explicitly stated that they would never get back together, but how could Ellie not take the chance when it was so clear to her that Dina still felt some kind of attraction towards her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The butterflies only worsened when Dina finally came into sight. She was walking into the stables with patrol partner Johnathan. Jonathan was older than them by a year or two, and was tall and broad shouldered. Having been raised in Jackson, Ellie was very familiar with him, as he was at all the bonfires, dances, and other community events that happened around town. She was glad that Dina had landed him as a partner, since he did seem very capable in that department, and she knew she’d be safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie could hear them talking about something as they walked in, but Dina stopped when she saw Ellie standing over near her horse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie? Hey, what are you doing here so early?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey D, uh just wanted to talk real quick. Forgot to ask yesterday about me coming to see JJ today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh right. Hey John, can you give us a sec?” Dina asked, turning her attention to her patrol partner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” He said with a smile. “G’morning Ellie.” He said with a nod of his head before turning and walking towards his own horse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning.” she replied, then waited a moment for him to get out of earshot. “So, yeah I was just checking about tonight. I know i’ve been coming over every day for the last couple weeks, but i didn’t wanna assume… ya know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, thanks for checking. Uhm, today is fine, but maybe not for so long...Today’s my last day of patrol and I’m pretty beat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, same here, so totally understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina let out a small chuckle. “Right well, if that’s all, I have to get back to…” Dina pointed behind her with her thumb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah well, actually… there was something else…” Ellie said, scratching the back of her head, looking away at the ground, before looking back up at Dina where a look of confusion and concern was plastered on her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s now or never.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I’ve noticed all the flyers around town, which I’m sure you’ve noticed too, for the winter dance that’s happening tomorrow night, and I was wondering if you’d like to go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina’s brow furrowed as she looked away from Ellie, causing her to continue babbling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it doesn’t even have to be like a date or anything… we can just go as friends. I just know you like them, and maybe we could ask Robin towatch JJ, as I’m sure you could use a night out for some fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie ah… I don’t know… I don’t think it’s such a good idea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a moment to let out a shaky breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so stupid.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh… yeah okay. Of course… I uh.. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She said, trying to hide the sadness and disappointment from her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned around quickly, the sadness quickly turning into embarrassment. She began to head towards the exit of the stables when she heard Dina speak up behind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellie… wait.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The taller girl stopped in her tracks, both scared and hopeful for the words that would come next. She turned around to look at the shorter girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina was staring at her intently, chewing on her bottom lip. When Ellie saw this, she knew the she was truly torn about what she was going to say. Dina had always been decisive, the answer or response always on the tip of her tongue. Ellie knew the girl well enough to know that this was her tell, and she immediately fell bad because of it. If Dina was unsure about what she wanted to say, that was all the answer that Ellie needed. She was about to speak up and tell her to forget that she even asked the question, when an answer stopped her.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie couldn’t control the smile that lit up her face. “Are… are you sure?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded her head in response, a small smile played on her lips at the sight of Ellie’s excitement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we can just work out the details when I come by after patrol… I’ll let you get back to it then. See you tonight, D!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina let out a small chuckle before giving a wave and heading off toward John. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time seemed to have slowed down for Ellie right after that conversation. She knew it had everything to do with the fact that she wanted nothing more than for it to be tomorrow night. All she could think about during patrol was Dina. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was the first time she had ever been excited to go to a town event. Smiling, she replayed the memory of the last town dance she attended. It was the night of her and Dina’s first kiss. She could feel all the emotions rushing back to her, as if she were really there. Confusion, followed by elation, sprinkled with a dash of guilt, mostly since she just got done telling Jesse that him and the girl she was kissing were going to get back together. To Ellie, the town dance tomorrow night was her second chance. She was hoping that being at this dance with Dina would remind her as well of the night of their first kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was distracted for the rest of the day with her patrol. As usual, nothing interesting as happening, so the day dragged on, Ellie swearing she could feel every minute that ticked by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, the end of their shift came around and Ellie made a beeline for Dina’s place. The visit went as usual, however Dina was much more quiet than usual, and stayed sitting on the couch, mostly observing Ellie play with JJ. Ellie felt a bit awkward, but chalked it up what Dina had told her earlier in the day about being exhausted from patrols. As she was getting ready to leave after the quick visit, the nagging feeling that something was wrong got the better of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, so uh…see you tomorrow night?” Ellie asked as she stepped over the door frame onto the porch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… sounds good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I come and we go together? Or…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh… let’s just meet there. That okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, of course.” Ellie said with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Good night, Ellie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“G’night!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie went home with a smile on her face, one that Maria did not fail to notice when she walked through the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Ellie. Heard everything went well on patrol. Looks like your patrol went better than most, judging by that smile on your face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? Oh no, well I mean yeah. Patrol was fine. Boring as usual…” Ellie paused briefly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Should I tell her? Eh, why the hell not. She’ll probably be happy that I’m happy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually uh… Dina agreed to go to the dance with me tomorrow night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The reaction from Maria was not one she was expecting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. You sure she’s really okay with that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie shot her a confused look. “I mean yeah, I did ask.” She could feel herself immediately get annoyed with Maria’s question, and the older woman was quick to pick up on the tone of her response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just asking. Sounds a little fast, given everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve spent almost every night together for the past two months!” She knew she shouldn’t have been getting annoyed, but she was looking for support from her, not this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, I know it’s none of my business but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right.” Ellie cut off Maria. “It isn’t any of your business.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie noticed the shock and disappointment that flashed through her eyes and wanted to immediately apologize, but couldn’t find the words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not very hungry.” She said instead. “I’m going to bed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm.” was all Maria replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She trudged upstairs and laid down in her bed, not bothering removing her dirty clothes or shoes. She knew she was too old to be acting like an angsty teenager, especially towards someone who had done nothing but good for her since her return to Jackson, but that was not at all what she wanted to hear. She closed her eyes, ignoring the loud rumble in her stomach from hunger. There was no way she was going back downstairs after acting the way she did in front of Maria, so she did the next best thing and fell asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She woke up the next day around noon, which was odd. Even on her days off, Maria usually wakes her up early to stay on a schedule. Ellie wasn’t sure if Maria let her sleep in today out of kindness or if she was just mad at Ellie’s outburst yesterday. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I have to apologize to her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie sat up, rubbed her eyes clean, and left her room in search of Maria. As usual, Maria was out of the house for the day, so Ellie would have to wait to give her apology later on. She went and checked the refrigerator and was thrilled to see that Maria had packaged the leftovers from last nights’ dinner. She warmed the plate up and scarfed it down in record time. Without bothering to change yet, Ellie made her way to the living room couch and turned on her gaming console. She needed to stay busy for most of the day, otherwise she knew she would drive herself crazy checking the clock over and over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amazingly, the game she was playing made the time fly by. She didn’t glance at the clock at all until the end of the game when the hero gave his wedding ring back to his estranged wife in a proclamation of love.  When Ellie finally checked the time, it was 5pm. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Okay gotta get up. Dance starts in an hour and I forgot to ask Dina what time we’d meet. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie hopped up, turning off the console and ran upstairs to the bathroom. She quickly stripped herself of her dirty clothes and scrubbed herself clean. Once clean and dried, she threw on her best outfit, a flannel and jeans, with a pair of sneakers. Giving herself a once over in the mirror, she grabbed a jacket and headed out the door with the clock reading 5:57pm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was the first one there. Well, her Seth, and few other people that were still setting out chairs and tables for people to gather at. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. Okay maybe I was a little too excited. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She walked over to where they would be serving drinks and sat down to wait. It wasn’t until about 30 minutes later, that the townspeople started walking in and the music started picking up. Ellie kept her attention at both entrances to the barn, eagerly awaiting Dina. An hour and half passed, and still no sign of her. After a little longer there was a rather loud thud on the bar behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned around to investigate, and to her surprise, Seth had set down a tumbler glass, and was in the middle of pouring a whiskey over ice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here.” was all he said as he pushed the glass toward her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a sip of her drink, turning her attention back at the entrances, still with no Dina in sight. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know why I forgot to go over a time with her, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she thought, taking another sip of her drink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two more hours passed, and the one drink turned into 4. It was 9:30pm. The dance was over at 11. Ellie, more than a little buzzed, did the math quickly in her head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hour and half late. Where is she? </span>
  </em>
  <span>She gulped the last of the drink in her hand down before turning back to the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Seth, let me go ahead and get another one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, you don’t wanna slow down there?” He asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon man. I’m good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seth shrugged and poured Ellie another glass. Again, Ellie’s turned her attention back around, poling her head up, hoping to get a glimpse of Dina. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie was now drunk. She looked up at the clock on the wall behind the bar, where it read 11:01. Most of the attendees were already gone. There were only a few people out on the dance floor, finishing what they announced was going to be the last song. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She didn’t show...this is what I fucking get. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie had lost count of how many drinks she had. She knew it was too many, since the floor was spinning beneath her feet. She tried to stand, but her legs felt like lead, and she had to clutch onto the bar to keep from falling over. She could hear two people arguing very close to her. Closing her eyes and focusing, she realized it was Maria and Seth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goddamnit Seth, why did you let her have that much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She kept demandin’ more! I called you din’t i?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time, call me earlier!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trying to focus on the argument between the two caused Ellie’s world to spin even more, and before she knew it, was emptying the contents of her stomach on the ground before her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goddamn!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had you called me earlier, this wouldn’t have happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seth let out a grumble and shuffled off, presumably to get something to clean the mess with. The last thing Ellie remembered was Maria putting one of her arms over her shoulder in an attempt to get her home before the world went black.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I truly appreciate all the comments and kudos! I promise this story will be finished! This chapter has death and violence in it. It should be expected, given this is a TLOU based fanfic, but I did want to give a warning.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie sat on the side of her bed in the all too quiet house, replaying the memory over and over again in her head. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I never should have agreed to go to the dance, and then not shown at all without explanation. For that I’m truly sorry Ellie. But lately you and I have been getting close. Too close, and everything is just getting confusing… I can’t do this.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Can’t or won’t?” Ellie spat back with anger laced in the words. There was a part of Ellie that felt justified in feeling angry in this moment, since Dina stood her up at the dance without a word. The other part of Ellie felt guilty. Like this was all her fault, and she deserved to be stranded there at the barn. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>A look of hurt flashed across Dina’s face before disappearing behind a steely gaze. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I won’t.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ellie inhaled sharply, nodded her head, looking at everything but Dina. She wanted to kick, scream, yell, anything. But the only thing she knew she had the right to do, was say one word. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Okay.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie inhaled and exhaled, trying to find the willpower to stand. That conversation was three weeks ago. It’s been three weeks since she’s visited JJ. Three weeks since she’s talked to Dina. And to make things worse, she asked Maria to change the rotation that she went out on patrol, so now there was only one day that her and Ellie worked on the same day, and these were the days she would catch a glimpse of her heading off in the morning, otherwise Dina was off two days while Ellie was working and vice versa. </p><p> </p><p>Today was one of the days where she could catch a glimpse of Dina if she arrived at the perimeter gates early enough. <em>Pathetic. </em>Taking another deep breath she finally stood up. Grabbing her pack from the corner of the room, she made her way downstairs and out the front door, not bothering to eat anything for breakfast. </p><p> </p><p>As she approached the stables, she could see Dina atop her horse, waiting on her partner. Dina turned her head as she noticed Ellie approaching, but Ellie looked away before Dina was able to catch her gaze. She didn’t look back up until she heard the horses take off watching as Dina took off with John and met up with the people on paired patrol. She didn’t stop looking in that direction until they all disappeared behind the closing gate. </p><p> </p><p>She turned around to head into the stables to prepare her horse, when she noticed Maria was standing not too far behind her. </p><p> </p><p>“Morning Ellie. Another early start for you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I guess. Just wanted to make sure everything was ready.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence filled the air. Maria never asked Ellie about that night at the dance, or why she wasn’t going after work to visit JJ, or why she asked to be moved to a different patrol rotation. Maria had to have known why of course, the woman wasn’t dumb. Truthfully, Ellie hadn’t really made the effort to talk to Maria since she snapped at her the night before the dance. It was a combination of embarrassment and fear that she would have to hear an ‘I told you so’ from the older woman. Just as Maria turned to take off towards the perimeter of the town, Ellie stopped her. </p><p> </p><p>“Maria… can you hold on for sec?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s just…I’m sorry.” Ellie stated plainly as she looked down at a rock that was near her foot and kicked it. When Maria didn’t respond, she continued talking. </p><p> </p><p>“You’ve been nothing but supportive of me since I got here, and I had no right to snap on you the way I did before the dance. And what’s crazy is you still came and took care of me, even when I didn’t deserve it. I’m really sorry. I should have listened to you.” she finished, finally looking up into the other woman’s face. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, there’s nothing to apologize for, and you’re a grown woman and you can make whatever choice you so choose.”</p><p> </p><p>“But, you were right. About Dina. She wasn’t...I pushed too far.”</p><p> </p><p>Maria stayed quiet. She studied Ellie for a moment before letting out a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“Look Ellie, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but on the days that you’ve been coming early, Dina’s been moving a bit slower, causing the patrol to leave out late.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie looked up at Maria trying to understand what she was telling her. </p><p> </p><p>“Now take from that what you will. I don’t know all the details from what happened that night, and if any words were exchanged afterward, but it is clear to me that you two have some things that still need to be worked out.” </p><p> </p><p>Ellie stayed quiet, only nodding her head in response. </p><p> </p><p>“Alright well, you stay safe out there Ellie. See you later.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie walked into the stables to get her horse ready, contemplating what Maria just told her. <em>I shouldn’t have left things the way I did. And then I had to go change rotations...and JJ. I’ve been so selfish. I’m so stupid! </em>Ellie slammed her fist on the wooden post next to her in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>“Damn Ellie, everything okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie turned her head and saw Caleb and Hector standing there, having witnessed her outburst of anger. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah... sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“All good, just try not to take it out on us.” Hector joked, patting Ellie on the shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>When Caleb and Hector heard Ellie switched rotations, they asked to be switched with her. Maria obliged with a roll of her eyes. Amanda, the fourth in Ellie’s original group was unable to switch rotations due to other obligations, which she was sad about, but wished them all good luck on their new rotation regardless. Ellie’s newest group member’s name was Kirk, another young man she was familiar with, since he had already been living in Jackson when Ellie first arrived. She had only worked with him for the last three weeks, but he has proved himself more than capable, so Ellie had no issues with him. Once she saw him enter the stables, she announced to the group that they should start getting ready.</p><p> </p><p>Soon they were all on horseback, the three guys were cracking jokes and talking, eager to get the patrol started. Ellie was usually in on the jokes and upbeat attitude, but as of late, just wanted to get the patrols over with so she could go home. She was sure Hector and Caleb noticed the difference, but neither of them asked about it. Whether it was out of fear or out of respect, Ellie didn’t know, but she was grateful for it either way. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie’s mind had been so preoccupied with Dina and JJ and the predicament she was in that before she knew it, they were breaking for lunch. </p><p> </p><p>“El...Ellie. Ellie!”</p><p> </p><p>Her head snapped up when she finally focused on voice that was now shouting her name.</p><p> </p><p>“You really are somewhere else today huh?” Caleb asked with a slight chuckle in his voice. “C’mon we’re stopping to eat real quick.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah, right.”</p><p> </p><p>They all sat down in a semicircle to eat what they had packed. Ellie gnawed on some jerky trying to pay attention to what the boys were talking about this time around, but her mind kept circling back to ways she could fix what happened between her and Dina. </p><p> </p><p>“What about you Ellie?” asked Kirk, dragging her back to reality. </p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?” </p><p> </p><p>“You play video games right? What has been your favorite that you’ve played?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh uhh…”</p><p> </p><p>It was at this moment that the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end, as she heard a very familiar, yet very frightening clicking close by. </p><p> </p><p>Adrenaline mixed with fear immediately started pumping through Ellie’s body as muscle memory forced her body to get into a crouched position.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you…”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie whipped her head, putting her finger up to her mouth at Kirk, who started talking, but immediately snapped his mouth shut at the look on Ellie’s face, but it was too late.</p><p> </p><p>A loud screeching yell came from about 20 yards out. </p><p> </p><p>She snapped her head to the direction the sound came from, and much to her horror, there was a horde of about 20 infected approaching fast. Mostly runners, but had more than enough clickers for this to be a more than terrifying situation. </p><p> </p><p>“Go! Go! Get to the horses!” </p><p> </p><p>They all scrambled onto their feet, trying to move as quickly as possible as the mixed sounds of clicking and screaming were getting closer. Ellie was the first to her horse, followed by Caleb, Hector, and then finally Kirk. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go!” she shouted, starting to lead the group back to Jackson. It was then she heard another scream, but this time was different. She looked back to see Kirk falling off his horse as three runners had caught up to them before they were able to get away. With speed that Ellie didn’t know she was capable of, she hopped off her horse and aimed her rifle at the runners. Three shots, three dead runners. </p><p> </p><p>This was dangerous and Ellie knew there was a good chance she wouldn’t make it out alive, but she had no choice now. She motioned quickly at Hector and Caleb who were still on their horses. “Go back to Jackson! Get help!” </p><p> </p><p>She then ran towards Kirk who was still on the floor, with what appeared to be an injured ankle. “C’mon Kirk, up. Get up!” There was a clicker coming up close, and Ellie tried to aim her rifle with one hand as she draped Kirk’s arm over her shoulder, but it was awkward and unsteady, and the shot she took hit the clicker in the stomach, only stunning it for a moment, before it screamed and barreled at them even faster. Just then, another shot rang out and the clicker slumped to the floor. Several shots happened in succession quickly after, stunning the group of infected that were closing in on her and Kirk, giving them time to get up off the floor. Turning around to run, she saw that Hector and Caleb hadn’t left for help, and were instead shooting at the group of infected, giving her the precious time she needed to get Kirk to safety. They hobbled over to Caleb’s horse, helped the young man up on the horse.</p><p> </p><p>Everything was happening too fast. Before Ellie could even think to go hop behind Hector on his horse, the infected were almost on her. The only thing she could do was turn and shoot. </p><p> </p><p>“Go now, leave!” </p><p> </p><p>A couple of well-aimed shots took down the two infected closest to her, but she saw coming up right behind them were three clickers. At that moment, a bottle smashed just at the clickers’ feet and they lit up in a blaze of fire. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie!”</p><p> </p><p>She looked in the direction her name was called and saw Dina and Johnathan riding up fast on their horses, Jonathan in the middle of throwing another molotov. <em>Okay, we got this.</em></p><p> </p><p>Her attention went back to the group of infected as she took aim with her rifle. She took a few more shots, before reloading and moving to a different angle. The noise coming from different directions confused the clickers, so at least now the group wasn’t all headed straight at her. She was able to take aim correctly, and start taking down infected, with Dina and Johnathan shooting alongside her. </p><p> </p><p>The noise of the rifles was almost deafening, the loud ringing in in Ellie’s ears that she thought would never stop, until finally, the only noise left was the tree branches blowing in the light breeze around them, and her heavy breathing. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie? Are you okay?!” Dina asked, panicked as she quickly jumped off her horse and ran toward the girl. </p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah. Where.. How did you find us?”</p><p> </p><p>“We were supposed to meet up with Dana and Chelsea from the other patrol, but they never showed up, so we went and checked out their last location and they were…” Dina paused, taking a breath, allowing Ellie to finish the sentence on her own. “There was a mess, evident a large group had passed by. We were on our way back to Jackson when we heard screams and you shouting.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie just nodded her head, still trying to catch her breath from the whole ordeal. </p><p> </p><p>“How are the others?”</p><p> </p><p>“They’re okay. Kirk was dragged off his horse by a few runners, but I think he’s alright. Might have twisted his ankle.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm.” Dina nodded her head. “Well I’m glad you’re okay. We need to leave before any stragglers come along. C’mon.” </p><p> </p><p>Dina walked back to her horse and climbed up into the saddle, motioning for Ellie to hop on behind her. Ellie did so, still trying to rid the adrenaline from her body. They rode back in silence, the trip seemed to take forever, but finally they arrived at the gates. </p><p> </p><p>“Maria, they’re here! Open the gates!”</p><p> </p><p>As the gates opened up, Ellie got deja vu from her return to Jackson all those months ago. Maria rushed out to the three of them. Tears in her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie… Dina are y’all alright? John what about you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“I have a group ready to go out. About what area was the horde at? Did y’all see anything else?” Maria asked, unfolding a map of the surrounding area.</p><p> </p><p>Dina spoke up first. “We killed the horde that attacked us at this point.” she said, pointing at its location. “We didn’t see any others, but we left pretty quickly afterward. Also, the whole reason we were able to help Ellie and her patrol is because Dana and Chelsea never showed up to meet with us. That’s what tipped us off about the horde in the first place. They’re at outpost twelve. They didn’t make it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Christ, not more losses today.”</p><p> </p><p>“More losses? Maria...what do you mean?” Ellie asked. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s Kirk… he… he was bit Ellie. He told us about how you went back to save him. Risked your life, and he is so grateful for that.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I was too late.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie you cannot blame yourself for that. You did everything you could.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did I? Because I know that there is more I could have done.” Ellie spat, bitterness in her voice, with meaning in that sentence that only Maria and Dina picked up on. “Where is he?”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s over with Dr. Hobbs right now. His family is with him. He did want to see you before…”</p><p> </p><p>Maria couldn’t finish it. In the years that Ellie had lived in Jackson, there had only been one other person to have been bitten by an infected. It was also during a patrol. The details of how it happened were unclear, but Ellie remembered the name of the young man it happened to, Steven. </p><p> </p><p>Jackson has a special store of drugs, kept at ready for this sort of situation. Joel had told Ellie that back in his day, some states had what was called ‘capital punishment’ legal, and reserved for some of the worst criminals of his time, and they would be put to death by a drug cocktail. Except now, it’s not for the worst criminals of Ellie’s time, it was for the innocents, for the people that were just trying to survive in this harsh world. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie turned on her heel, ignoring the plea for her to wait that came from Dina. She headed to medical on autopilot, ignoring the environment around her. When she reached the building she walked inside to hear what sounded like Kirk telling the punchline to a joke, and his mom, dad, and younger sister laughing. Ellie could hear the sadness in their laughs and when she walked through the doorway, could see the tears that were lingering in their eyes. Even worse though, when she saw Kirk, she immediately got a flashback to Riley. How she looked when she was starting to get sick from her bite, and how was just waiting for when it was going to happen to her. And now she found herself in this same predicament. Ellie, immune and safe, across from someone who was not cursed with that same luxury. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie! Hey, I’m glad you came.” Kirk said before coughing a few times.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Kirk.” Ellie focused on the bandage around his ankle, which was soaked through with blood. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie unconsciously grabbed her arm where she was bit all those years ago. “I’m so sorry Kirk. I should have moved faster, or heard them sooner…”</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, stop.” he interrupted. “I’m so grateful for what you did for me. The horde was too big and too fast. I don’t think there was anything more that neither of us could have done, and the fact that you risked your life to try and save me… well... thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You gave us the chance to see him one last time Ellie. We are grateful for that.” His dad reassured her. </p><p> </p><p>It was then that his mother burst out in tears, letting Ellie know it was time for her to go. She walked up to Kirk and placed her hand on his shoulder giving one last reassuring squeeze. He smiled at her, holding back his own tears. </p><p> </p><p>When she left medical, she found herself at the Tipsy Bison before she realized it. The bar was pretty empty, especially since it was still daylight out, but the few folks that were inside turned their attention to her, all with sympathetic looks on their faces that almost made her sick enough to leave. Almost. She hadn’t had a drink since the night at the dance, but right now she wanted just enough to numb the pain, the guilt, the sorrow and sadness that was overwhelming her senses. </p><p> </p><p>Before she even reached the bar, Seth had a glass of whiskey already poured up for her. </p><p> </p><p>“Try not to overdo it this time hmm?” he muttered before disappearing to the back. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie had no will or want to say anything back. She took a seat and raised the golden liquid up to her lips and took a sip. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie sat at the bar for hours. No one dared bother her, but she was able to gather from all the whispers around her that the group Maria sent out found another group of infected and cleared the area of them. The group also retrieved the bodies of Dana and Chelsea. She heard from the whispers that Kirk was now gone. They were going to do the burial for the three of them tomorrow. The whispers also spoke of her going back for Kirk, saving his life. <em>Only for him to die anyway, </em>she kept telling herself. Seth kept her glass full. She was drinking slowly enough to maintain a light buzz for the time she was there. She didn’t want to leave until it was dark, less people to run into, less stares and less whispers she’d have to deal with. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, after the sun went down, she decided that the glass she was currently nursing would be her last, taking yet another slow sip. She heard the door to the bar open and close, just like she had been hearing all day, however the person who walked through the door this time spoke up. </p><p> </p><p>“Well lookit who it is. You got some gall showin’ yer face around us right now.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Tommy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie hadn’t seen nor heard from Tommy since the night that he blew up on her at Maria’s house. He was still living at Joel’s old place, but as far as she could tell, he kept to himself. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie didn’t respond, instead she finished her glass in one large gulp and moved to stand up from the bar stool. Before she could though, Tommy roughly slammed his hand on her shoulder, causing her to sit back down. He reeked of alcohol. </p><p> </p><p>“Whatcha in a hurry fer now? Surely you got some time for a drink with dear old Uncle Tommy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Tommy, c’mon, leave the girl alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“This is none of yer concern Seth!” shouted Tommy, pointing a finger at the man behind the bar. “Now pour me up a glass.”</p><p> </p><p>“Knock it off Tommy.” Ellie interrupted, shrugging Tommy’s hand off her shoulder. She hopped off the stool quickly and made her way for the door. </p><p> </p><p>“Where ya think yer goin’?” </p><p> </p><p>Ellie shrugged and kept walking. </p><p> </p><p>“Well I don’t think you should leave until you give everyone here an apology fer gettin’ that young man killed today don’t ya think?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie stopped and turned around to face him. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you, Tommy.” Ellie knew better, she shouldn’t be playing into his taunting. Not here, not now, and definitely not with a drunk Tommy. </p><p> </p><p>“Just as expected, no remorse.” He spat. “Death follows you Ellie, when are ya gonna realize that? Kirk, Dana, Chelsea, Jesse, my brother! Who’s next? Dina? JJ?”</p><p> </p><p>That was more than enough for Ellie. She rushed at Tommy and pushed him hard, causing him to fall back into the bar.</p><p> </p><p>“Well that’s surprising,” he managed to say through a groan of pain. “I didn’t think you still had it in you Ellie, with you lettin’ Joel’s killer go free and all.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie faltered and glanced around at the few people that were in the bar, staring at the spectacle that was happening before them before focusing her attention back on Tommy. She had nothing to say, so Tommy took that as an opportunity to continue on his rant.</p><p> </p><p>“You heard it here folks. Ellie had Joel’s murderer in her grasp, and then just decided to let the bitch go! And that’s not all is it Ellie? You could have saved Kirk today couldn’t ya? And I’m not just talkin’ about from the horde of infected either.” He added, tapping at his right forearm and grinning. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Oh no. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Shut the fuck up, Tommy. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh don’t I though? Ya see folks, this girl here is…”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie didn’t let him finish. She rushed forward again but this time he was ready. He cocked his arm back and made contact with the left side of her face. She was stunned momentarily, but since he was so drunk it wasn’t as strong as it probably would have been, not to mention she had taken hits from far bigger people in the past. She’d survive. She gathered herself and rushed at him again, much quicker than he anticipated and she knocked him to the ground. However, before she could continue with her attack, she was pulled off of him by someone. </p><p> </p><p>At first she didn’t register that someone had lifted her off of Tommy, but quickly the fog of anger dispersed and she realized it was Tony, Jesse’s dad. He looked at her quickly as if to check if she was alright, and then stooped down and grabbed Tommy by his jean jacket. </p><p> </p><p>“Enough Tommy. Get up and out. You need to go cool off.” he said, giving Tommy strong shove towards the door. </p><p> </p><p>Tommy looked like he was going to say something else, but Tony lifted his arm, pointing at the direction of the door. </p><p> </p><p>“Out Tommy!”</p><p> </p><p>And with that Tommy was gone. </p><p> </p><p>“Ellie, you alright?”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie nodded in response, in disbelief of what just happened here. </p><p> </p><p>“Go home, and take care of that please.” he instructed, motioning to her cheek. </p><p> </p><p>She reached up and made contact with the warm liquid dripping down her face. Tommy must have gashed her cheek open with that punch.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks Tony.”</p><p> </p><p>“Anytime Ellie. Be careful.”</p><p> </p><p>When Ellie got home, Maria was there. She explained what happened, and could tell Maria was getting angry, but was playing it cool to not upset Ellie any further. It took some convincing but finally Maria agreed to not confront Tommy tonight. She would deal with it in the morning, once she had cooled off and once Tommy had sobered up. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie walked upstairs and washed her face. She bandaged the cut on her face, and then laid down, immediately falling asleep, overcome with complete exhaustion.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Conversations with Dead People</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hate unfinished fics.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie slept for the majority of the following day, until there came a point where she could sleep no longer, but still refused to leave the confines of her bed. Maria was sure to not bother her, only stopping by the house to see if she was hungry. It wasn’t until the last meal of the day when  Maria strongly encouraged her to eat something, that she climbed out of the bed. Even the time she spent eating was done in silence and done quickly, and with no objection from Maria, she went back to bed right after. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The next day would be a different story</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought as she lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. Tomorrow would be all three funerals. She heard Maria and another person, who’s voice she couldn’t recognize talking downstairs earlier in the day about it. They decided to have one mass funeral for all three who lost their lives protecting the town.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They’d be safe if my immunity…</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ellie squinted her eyes shut, willing the intrusive thought away. She had a lot of time to think today. To think about how she got to where she was today. To think about Dina, about JJ. To think about how Maria has been helping her through some of her darkest moments, whether she realized it or not. To think about Joel. What would he have said if he were here, right now?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There was nothin’ more ya coulda done kiddo. You were able to bring him home to his family. They were so grateful for that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His voice, so clear in her mind, she could have sworn he was in the room with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My immunity Joel. If you had just let me do what I was supposed to… this never would have happened. To any of them!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ya don’t know that. Ya don’t know what coulda happened. They coulda cracked you open and realized that nothin’ coulda been done. Then what? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then...then nothing! Just like now! But at least we would have known!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Well hate to break it to ya kiddo, but there’s no takin’ it back now. I’m sorry. I truly am, for lyin’ to ya. But like I’ve said before, I’d...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’d do it all over again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Exactly… And I know it’s extremely selfish, but I couldn’t imagine a life having lost two daughters. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears started falling freely from Ellie’s eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What do I do Joel? I’ve lost everything… everyone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hmm. So you’re tellin’ me there’s no one here in Jackson by yer side?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maria. Caleb and Hector. Amanda. Dina. JJ</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mhmm, now that’s what I thought. Build yourself back up Ellie. Ya have to truly forgive yourself. Forgive those around ya. Forgive and forget. Especially the past. You have to let it go. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met, stronger than me even. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Joel I… I’m so sorry. For cutting you off all that time. I do forgive you, and I hate that I’ll never be able to tell you that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ya just did kiddo. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ellie woke up the next morning, she felt lighter, a feeling that was quickly dampened by the weight of what today was, but the conversation, or dream as she chalked it up to be, proved itself to be  exactly what she needed.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Swinging her feet off the side of the bed she got up with determination to make it through the day. Once showered, she walked to her chest of drawers and picked out the jeans with the least amount of tears and holes in them and a solid brown button down flannel. As she began her way downstairs, she heard Maria come in through the front door and make her way into the kitchen. Upon entering the kitchen, she noticed Maria appeared to be crying. She was somewhat stooped over the sink, supporting herself on one hand, while squeezing her temples between her index finger and thumb of her other hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maria?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The older woman jumped slightly at the sound of Ellie’s voice. “Oh, hey Ellie, Christ you scared me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could see the remnants of tears in the woman’s eyes, before they were quickly wiped away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t hear you come down the stairs.” Maria continued, looking away when she noticed Ellie studying her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I uh...Maria is everything okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?” Maria asked, pulling food out of the fridge, “I’ll cook us up a late breakfast. You hungry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie clicked her tongue at the deflection, but figured Maria was probably upset today for the same reason she was, the funeral.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, sounds great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, Maria had cooked them up a simple breakfast of eggs and ham. When Ellie was done, she got up, taking hers and Maria’s plates to the sink to wash. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh hey Ellie, since you’re up and ready and the funeral is still not for a couple hours, I thought you should know Dina has been asking about you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And not that my opinion should matter to you when it comes to your personal life, but I really think you should try to pay her a visit today. She’s worried about you Ellie. She just wants to know you’re alright, and no matter how many times I’ve told her you’re okay, it just doesn’t seem to be sticking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess I should huh? With the way we left things, and everything that happened. I need to know she’s okay too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could tell you she’s doing okay, but I’m sure that wouldn’t stick either. I’ll finish that up. See you later, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Thanks Maria.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie started to walk out the kitchen when she remembered the dream last night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maria, I just want to let you know I-I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. If you hadn't been here when I returned to Jackson, I don’t know what would have happened. I… I just don’t think I say thank you enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie you’re family. You know that. I’m here for you, anytime okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Maria repeated with a smile. “Go on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie smiled in return and turned around to leave the house. Walking through the town was a somber experience. There was hardly anyone on the streets as she made her way to Dina’s place. Shops along the way all had their “closed” signs facing out. Clouds were quickly filling the sky, threatening the town with a downpour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she reached her destination, she had the same feeling she had when she first returned to this house after her trip to California. Before she even had time to swallow the fear that had bubbled up within her, the front door quickly swung open to reveal Dina standing there, mouth slightly agape. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie!” Dina exclaimed as she came bounding down the steps and over to Ellie, wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug. Ellie froze momentarily, not really expecting this reaction. Maria told her that Dina was worried about her, but didn’t realize just how much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After the moment of shock passed, she realized just how much she missed this and returned the hug with equal ferocity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been so worried about you, the way you left me and Maria that day after the patrol. I thought... I don’t know what I thought. It’s just so good to see you… I’ve missed you.” said Dina, whispering the last part, almost as if she were telling Ellie a secret. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could feel her face heat up at the confession. She was sure Dina didn’t mean it the way Ellie took it, but was pleasantly surprised, nonetheless. Ellie broke the hug, taking a half step back, but not letting go so she could look Dina in the face when she responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry. For.. for everything. Not just the day of the patrol, but for how I reacted about the dance as well.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“El, it’s okay…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No it’s not.” Ellie finally broke out of the hug, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. “I was being dumb and it was unfair to you. You laid out the rules from the day I got here, and...and I crossed the line. I just thought… well, it really doesn’t matter what I thought. I do know that I don’t want to lose you or JJ from my life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie, I… It’s okay. Really. It’s not like I wasn’t blurring that line myself as well, I just…” Dina trailed off, letting out a sigh when she couldn’t get the right words out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You just what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… Tony told me about…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey girls! You don’t want to come in before it starts pouring down?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked behind Dina and saw Robin standing at the doorway, with Tony just behind her, holding JJ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While slightly irritated by the disruption, Ellie couldn’t help but smile at the sight of JJ. She looked back at Dina with the question written all over her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina rolled her eyes. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They only had about thirty minutes before they needed to head to the cemetery for the funeral. Ellie spent all of that time entertaining JJ while Dina looked on quietly from the couch above. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina handed JJ during the walk to the funeral, which made the trip much less agonizing for Ellie. The sky above them had somehow managed to darken further, but not drop a single raindrop. As they approached the cemetery, there was already a small crowd gathered. Ellie could see three freshly dug graves, and a wave of nausea hit her like a train. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you okay El?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm.” She lied. The last time she had been at the cemetery was the day of Joel’s funeral. The day they all left for Seattle. Even the times she came back into town before California, she managed to steer clear of the place, taking longer routes if necessary. Today, there was no opting out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Waves of nausea only got stronger as they got closer to the grave site, she felt Dina’s hand snake into hers, lacing their fingers together. The move seemed to ground her, make her feel safe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at the girl beside her and gave a small smile of gratitude. Dina always knew what she needed. Taking a deep breath she steadied her nerves and kept moving forward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As they approached, Ellie noticed Maria standing alone off to the side, eyes red and slightly puffy, only letting Ellie know that there were more tears that happened after she left the house this morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gave the hand in hers a quick squeeze before letting go, causing Dina to look up at her with a concerned look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. I’m gonna go stand with Maria. I don’t want her by herself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, of course. Here, let me see him.” Dina said, extending her arms to scoop JJ from Ellie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The baby gave a little coo of disappointment, but immediately clung onto his mother, once in her arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie started off in Maria’s direction before Dina placed a hand on her arm, stopping her briefly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you after?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stood silently next to Maria for the entire funeral. Tears were shed as the families got up and spoke and even more were shed during the lowering of the caskets. When everything was over, and people were starting to trickle away, Ellie glanced in the direction of Joel’s tombstone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She must have been staring in that direction for a while, as a soft squeeze to her shoulder brought her back to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, do you want me to come with you?” asked Maria, nodding her head in the direction that Ellie was staring. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh.. n-no. I think... I'll just go by myself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll wait just outside the gates.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie only nodded her head in response. She made her way over to the tombstone and sat down, with one knee propped up so she could lean her head on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey old man. I know it’s been a while, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a shaky breath as tears started streaming down her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up. And hurt so many people. Especially you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The soft roll of thunder echoed in the distance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie lightly snorted. “Was that you telling me you agree with me old man?” She placed her hand on the tombstone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Joel. But I’m ready to forgive myself. I’m ready to forgive you. I’m even ready to forgive your asshole of a brother.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another roll of thunder sounded off, much louder this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know! If you could see the way he’s been acting, you’d sympathize.” Ellie exclaimed, shaking her head slightly. “Point is, I’ve done some fucked up stuff that resulted in me hurting the ones closest to me and I’m ready to move past it. I miss you Joel. I love you and I miss you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The skies opened and the rain started coming down, washing all evidence of Ellie’s tears from her face as she stood up from the spot she was sitting on the ground. Giving one last look at Joel’s tombstone, she turned around and lightly jogged to exit the cemetery. To her surprise, it wasn’t Maria standing there waiting for her, but Dina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I told Maria I’d wait for you. Hope you don’t mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, of course not.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, well, do ya wanna get out of this rain?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, c’mon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both took off to the closest establishment that had an awning attached to protect them from the rain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… yeah actually. Just wanted to say a few things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, speaking of saying a few things,” started Ellie, looking around and the others who had the same idea they had to gather under cover, “Have you seen Tommy? I wasn’t really looking for him at the funeral, but I...I need to talk to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About what happened the other night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie let out a sigh. “Tony told you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course he told me. But Ellie…you don’t know about Tommy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I thought Maria would have told you. Tommy up and left. At first Maria panicked, well we all did, thinking he wandered off in the woods or something, but then they found a letter in the house. He moved up to…” Dina didn’t finish her sentence, studying Ellie’s face for a moment before letting out a sigh. “He’s moved up to the Baldwin’s old place.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie let out a frustrated huff. “Why… why would he do that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know El, I didn’t ask Maria what was in the letter. But from what I gather he wandered up there by himself that night after the Tipsy Bison. I heard he didn’t even have a gun on him, and was drunk as hell, but was able to make it up there with no issues. He’s been up there since then. A patrol went up there at his request bringing essentials. According to them, he has no plans on returning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking idiot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s pretty much what Maria said. She tried to go up there and talk sense to him yesterday, but when she came back, she appeared to be okay with the whole thing. Didn’t really say much. I thought she would have mentioned something to you at least.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No...she didn’t.” Ellie looked out at the remaining people in search of the older woman, but did not see her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned back to Dina. “I’m gonna go check on her. Are you gonna be okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good idea. Yeah, I’ll be fine. Can we maybe meet up sometime tomorrow? Just to uh… catch up on some things?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure. I’ll stop by in the morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie gave a quick smile before jogging out into the downpour, heading home. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Open Table</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Ellie made it back to the house, she was soaking wet. She burst through the front door, startling Maria who was deep in thought, sitting at the dining room table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ Ellie, I swear you’re trying to kill me today. You’re soaked through,” she added, stating the obvious. “Go put on some clean dry clothes before you catch a cold.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie gave a huff and rolled her eyes, but went up to do as Maria asked. When she came back downstairs in fresh clothes, she took the seat next to Maria’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So… uh..” Started off Ellie, “Dina told me about Tommy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Maria’s turn to roll her eyes. “Of course she did… but you were gonna find out anyway I suppose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come you didn’t tell me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I knew that you were dealing with everything going on. I didn’t want to add something else to your plate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maria, you’ve been nothing but helpful to me since I’ve gotten back… Can I… Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe if I go talk to him…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think so Ellie. He pretty much has his mind made up. I tried to talk to him yesterday, but his argument was sound. Since we’ve added that place to the regular patrol areas, he’ll have someone visiting him every other day. More than enough to provide him with supplies and any other necessities.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s gotta be something…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t think there is Ellie. The man may have been hungover from the night before, but it was the most open and honest talk I’ve had with him in a very long time. He thinks he’s doing what is best for himself as well as those around him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie stayed silent for a moment contemplating what Maria just told her, before finally inhaling deeply. “I’m gonna go talk to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie...” Maria started, shaking her head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that I probably won’t change his mind, but I just need him to know that everything that’s happened between us…that it’s... it’s okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria studied Ellie a moment before clicking her teeth and shaking her head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why am I getting deja vu right now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie snorted. “I think there’s a small difference between tracking someone across state lines and taking a hike through the woods.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a moment of silence, Maria spoke up. “We’ll head out tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, and it isn’t up for debate. I’m not letting you take this ‘little hike’ alone, and I'm just worried he won’t be very… receptive. His track record hasn’t exactly been the best lately…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I guess. Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria glanced out the window. “Looks like the rain has stopped. I have to go and take care of some things around town.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re comin’ right? You were asking just a second ago if there was anything you could do to help right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie groaned. “That’s not exactly what I meant...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria laughed in response. “C’mon. It shouldn’t be too bad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few hours later and Ellie would have sworn that the level of exhaustion she felt after today’s work with Maria could have rivaled the exhaustion she felt after her trek back from California. Ellie didn’t think she could respect Maria any more than she already did, but today definitely changed her mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After finishing her last assigned task, she went to meet where Maria asked her to at the Tipsy Bison. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She must have been wearing exhaustion on her face, because Maria let out a hearty laugh when she saw her walk in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Busy day?” she asked with a grin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Psh, lightwork, actually.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm, Seth, two whiskey’s please. Here you go,” handing one of the glasses to Ellie. “Well deserved for a hard days’ work… and a hard day in general.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To Kirk, Dana, and Chelsea.” toasted Ellie, raising her glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hear, hear.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a clink of the glasses and then a comfortable silence eased between the two as they sipped from their glasses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hey I ran into Dina today, and she had mentioned something about meeting with you tomorrow morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit… I totally forgot with everything going on today. I told her I’d meet her tomorrow morning, she said she wanted to catch up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well I might have let it slip that we were going on a little trip tomorrow. You might wanna go talk to her before you head home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie downed her drink in one go. “Already on my way. Thanks Maria.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could barely hear the ‘thank you’ Maria replied with as she was already halfway out the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie jogged over to Dina’s house, hoping she wouldn’t be too mad that she forgot about their plans for tomorrow. When she arrived, she hopped up the porch stairs and knocked on the door a few times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Much to Ellie’s relief, Dina had a smile on her face when she opened the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey you! I was hoping I’d see you again at some point today after running into Maria.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey… yeah sorry. I know I said I’d meet you tomorrow morning, but I totally forgot and made plans.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay... she said you guys were going to go see Tommy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I just wanted to talk to him… it’s been rough between me and him since I’ve come back from California. Really it’s been that way since Seattle. I just wanna try and make it right… ya know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina gave a tight lipped smile and nodded her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing… I just… I hope it goes well for you two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I hope so too...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The awkward drop in the conversation caused Ellie to shift uncomfortably. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm well, I know it’s kinda late but I thought maybe you’d like to catch up some tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina seemed to study Ellie for a moment, only making her more uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I know you’re tired. It’s been a long day hasn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah it has. I definitely underestimated the amount of work Maria does around this place.” Ellie snorted. “But I can stay here a little longer, it’s not a problem at all.” She added quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No it’s okay. Go get some rest. It sounds like you have a big day ahead of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure, because I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ellie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay…yeah... some other time then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“O-okay. G’night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight El.” Dina responded with a weak smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dina walked back into the house before any other words could be exchanged, leaving Ellie standing there confused. Something had gone wrong, but she didn’t know what it was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is there anything even left there? No, that’s too big a question for right now. Go home, get some sleep. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie walked back home, eyesight locked upwards in awe of the starry night sky that had finally revealed itself after a day of clouds and rain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both women were up and ready at the same time the next morning. They made their way to the stables, collected their horses, and were out the gates of Jackson just as the sun was starting to rise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The air was crisp and cold and the sky was free of clouds, the complete opposite of yesterday’s weather. Few words were exchanged during the trip, as minds were preoccupied with thoughts of how today would go. As they reached their destination, Ellie couldn’t help but speak some of her more recent thoughts out loud. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I still don’t understand how the hell Tommy made it up here in one piece, on foot, and without a gun.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria snorted. “He’s one lucky son-of-a-bitch, that’s how.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie pulled the reins back slightly to stop her horse from going any further. Once still, she lifted her leg over the horse and hopped off, leading her to a fence post to tie her up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay girl, c’mon. Shouldn’t be too long.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria led her horse next to Ellie’s, attaching the reins to the same post. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walked up the pathway, with Ellie trailing Maria a few steps, unsure what Tommy’s reaction to seeing her would be. It was only when she was about 15 steps away when she realized she hadn’t been back to this house since Joel’s death. She stopped in her tracks staring up into the windows of the house. Maria had only taken a few more steps before she realized Ellie was no longer following her. She turned around, concern written on her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you gonna be okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie blew out a hard puff of air in response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No… no, it’s fine… it’s just, it’s a lot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie took a steadying breath before nodding her head. “Yes, c’mon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They closed the remaining distance between them and the door, and knocked a few times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tommy? It’s Maria… and Ellie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They could hear some shuffling from inside the house, a good indication to Ellie that Tommy was open to seeing her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The shuffling got louder as Tommy approached the door, finally opening it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Tommy,” started Maria. “Ellie and I just wanted to drop in real quick, make sure you’re doing alright. That okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, o’course. Come on in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy swung the door open wider, granting the two women access. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah don’t have much o’ anything yet, but y’all are welcome to whatever’s in the kitchen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay Tommy, but if it’s okay with you, I think I might do another sweep of the perimeter, just to make sure everything is secure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy shot Ellie a look, reminiscent of the times where Tommy was getting ready to poke fun at Joel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maria you can jus’ say you wanna give us some privacy and walk upstairs or somethin’, ya ain’t gotta walk the whole place again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie couldn’t help but snicker at Tommy’s remark, allowing herself to relax from the tense state she was in. . </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maria shot Tommy a quick death glare. “Whatever… y’all be good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy eyeline followed Maria as she walked out the front door, a smile lightly playing on his lips before his look turned serious as he focused his attention on Ellie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, ya still wanna see me after everything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… is that cool?” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just grateful I didn’t scare ya off fer good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve dealt with scarier things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Heh, oh I know… still… Ellie, I’m truly sorry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No it ain’t! I need to tell ya this. Jus’ let me get this out before you say anything else…” Tommy inhaled and exhaled deeply, in an attempt to calm his nerves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up. I… I lost myself. An’ because of that I lost everything an’ everyone around me.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stayed quiet, allowing Tommy to continue speaking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was ready to come back home, even without killing that girl, I thought we did enough. We killed enough of ‘em to teach ‘em a lesson. But then she had to…” Tommy trailed off, lightly grazing the damaged part of his face. “I just got so mad all over again, but this time there was nothin’ I could fuckin’ do about it. An’ to double down on the guilt, I wanted revenge more for myself than I wanted for my own brother!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears started falling freely from Tommy’s good eye. “I’ve just… I haven’t been right since I been back… and...and I don’t wanna ramble on any more, Ellie. Point is, I’m sorry. I never shoulda gone up to the farm that day. I’ve done nothin’ but ruin the lives of the people around me. I just figure it’s time fer me to be alone for a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tommy, you can’t blame yourself for what I did. I made the choice to leave. It would have happened whether you came up to the farm or not. I… I kept seeing him… covered in blood. It would come in flashes, and I swear I could taste the iron in the air every time it happened… I would have gone regardless.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy blew a puff of air out his nostrils. “I guess we were both fucked up then huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A moment of silence passed before Tommy asked a question so quietly, Ellie wasn’t sure if he had asked it all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why’d didn’t you go through with it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked Tommy in the eye and took a deep breath. “I saw him again, but this time… it was different. He was sitting on the porch, playing his damn guitar…singing and smiling like we weren’t living in this fucked up world… and I knew at that moment, it wasn’t what he would have wanted me to do. I’m so fucking stupid for not realizing it sooner… for not forgiving him sooner, and what’s worse is that it’s my fault he’s dead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Naw Ellie, you need to realize that man was dead before you came into his life. Just going through life like a hollow shell, not carin’ for nothin’ or no one around him... it’s what ultimately drove us apart. But when you came along...it... it gave him his humanity back that I thought he lost long ago. I saw it the minute he stood in front of me back at Jackson when we first met all those years ago. It was because of you that he started living again. There was nothin’ he wouldn’t’ve done if it meant keepin’ you safe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about you Tommy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do ya mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why punish yourself for something that’s not your fault? Why come out and torture yourself by staying in this place?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, now believe it or not, me and Joel used to hang out at this place a lot during patrol.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie shot him with a confused look. She knew that Tommy and Joel were almost always paired on patrols but this place wasn’t added on the regular rotation until after Joel died.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now don’t go tellin’ Maria, but you see, they got that pool table up top on the third level, and shootin’ pool is somethin’ I’m damn good at, and it was one of few things that I could whoop my bigger brother at, an’ well Joel just couldn’t live with it. We came here damn near every patrol we had at the lodge since it was so close, but he never could beat me fair n’ square. Bastard always tryna cheat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie just stared in awe at Tommy’s story as he continued to talk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Plus, the beds here are more comfortable than having to sleep on them damn tables or the floor at the lodge whenever bad weather hit that kept us from making it back to the town…” Tommy just shrugged his shoulders. “Now I won’t be hangin’ round the lower level much, but the good memories far outweigh the bad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe Joel was okay with straying from the patrol route at all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Awe yeah,” Tommy laughed, “we did lots of stupid shit out here, but ya didn’t hear me say that. I’ll be okay, seriously. In the meantime, why don’t you go ahead and keep Joel’s old place safe fer me, hmm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? No way Tommy, I can’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mon now.That house is too big fer just myself anyway.Ya got yerself a family now ya gotta keep safe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I don’t know about that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The screen door opened up letting Ellie know Maria had come back in from walking outside. Tommy leaned forward, adding quietly. “It might be too late for me to fix what I broke, but it’s not too late for you Ellie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded her head in understanding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Besides,” Tommy added with a grin, this time loud enough for Maria to hear. “Maria thinks it’s a good idea too, something about being tired of you stomping around the house in a bad mood all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tommy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy and Ellie couldn’t help but laugh at Maria’s outburst. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s nice to see you two getting a long I suppose.” she said, crossing her arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That perimeter secure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Secure enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, well, do y’all gotta go now, or y’all stickin’ around for a bit?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have my morning covered back in town, so I can stay a few more hours. Ellie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m okay to stay for a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie looked back at Tommy “Maybe you can teach me pool if you’re up for it? I’ve only seen people play it in old movies and stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah o’ course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you two get started before I come up there. I wouldn’t wanna show you up, Tommy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” asked a confused Ellie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Tommy has yet to win a game of pool against me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Heh, today might just be the day Maria.” he said, shooting Ellie a quick wink. “C’mon, let’s go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie could only shake her head and laugh, following the older man upstairs. The memories of what happened at this place would be with her forever, but she was quickly realizing the more she started to forgive herself and those around her, the fear and hate that came with the memories started to dwindle. </span>
</p><p>
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